Tuesday at Ten { the words I live by and what that means to me . . . . }

WordsWelcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt phrase” as a part of your writing. Each week I post a prompt phrase and you finish the phrase and write how that phrase fits you and your life or your thoughts.

Whether it be just writing a story behind the phrase or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.

Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! A new Prompt word is posted every Tuesday Morning at 10am, the link up closes at 11pm the night before.

Every Monday evening (the day before the new word is posted) I will choose ONE highlighted writer of the week to be highlighted and shared on the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for all to see. You will also get an award graphic for that week to post on your blog.

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page to view the winner and for daily news!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN!

Today’s Prompt PHRASE is { The words I live by and What that means to me is . . . .  }

 

Tuesday at Ten {Someday I will . . . . )

SOMEDYWelcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 6 full days to use the “prompt phrase” as a part of your writing. Each week I post a prompt phrase and you finish the phrase and write how that phrase fits you and your life or your thoughts.

Whether it be just writing a story behind the phrase or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 6 days to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you.

Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection! A new Prompt word is posted every Tuesday Morning at 10am, the link up closes at 11pm the night before.

Every Monday evening (the day before the new word is posted) I will choose ONE highlighted writer of the week to be highlighted and shared on the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for all to see. You will also get an award graphic for that week to post on your blog.

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page to view the winner and for daily news!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN!

Today’s Prompt PHRASE is { SOMEDAY I WILL . . . . .  }

I often wonder . . .

47449-Sometimes-I-WonderI am writing on my linkup - Tuesday at Ten Prompt phrase "I often wonder" Sometimes I often wonder why. . . . . why?

Why did I have the childhood I had by being sexually abused since I was 5 years old?

Why was I the one abused, yet no one else was touched? Why me?

Why was I raped? what did I do to deserve my purity to be taken?

Why was I neglected and abandoned in the midst of this abuse and be so invisible that not one person noticed the "hurting child who was suffering inside?"

Why do I struggle with anxiety and fear every day even as an adult today?

Why do I have to move through my day differently than others just to get by?

Why don't I have a mom who I can confide in, cry with, talk to about my problems that only a mom can understand?

Why is this my path, and why do some have a life so fulfilling?

Why do I struggle to be the person I want to be out of fear and past messages telling me no!?

There are a lot of questions as to why, and nothing bothers me more than when a person says "this is the path God chose for you because he made you strong to handle it" .. that is CRAP!

God didn't create this path for me, in fact, I know God was and is shaking his head at all the free-will sins that were done against me.

God created me in the image of him in hopes I will be the best version of me I can be, and that others would treat me with love like he expects of us.

I will never blame God for all that has happened to me. He chose a path for me, but he can't control those who walk on or through my path  and their actions. He can't control all that happens, but he can sure give me hope to hold onto through it.

I can sit here and wonder all these things above, and that is okay, because wondering is a healthy way of seeing the difference between what is vs. what could be .. but to stop my life in the midst of wondering is not what God would want from me. I need to keep going finding ways to over-come.

I truly believe God gives me strength to move through these struggles - some days being easier than others.

But the one thing I have learned the most in the past year is this - I can sit and wonder, but by sitting here thinking of the "why's" and the "how come's" or the "should have could have would have" I am missing out what is right in front of me. I am missing out on the "next" and the "possibilities" and the "hope".

I have truly learned to let go of "why" .. there is no answer to why, because there will never be an answer that will give me all the things I am missing or that have been taken from me. But I can put my energy into "change" "steps" "more hopes in the healing process".

I show up to therapy 3-4 days a week! I work hard, I move through hard moments to get to the good things on the other side of this hurt I have been holding since I was 5 years old. THAT is what God has created in me - the ability to show up and trust the process of healing, because God heals, God gives us the ability to heal -  - not change what has already been done.

What I do believe is that, those things that hurt have made me a stronger person. Those things I never had in life make me grateful for the things I do have and makes hope shine a little brighter, and hope becomes a gift and not something to be taken for granted.

I think I got caught up in the "WHY'S" out of frustration, and as my therapist reminds me "its okay to be in the frustration and anger, as long as I don't let it "BECOME" me or be too long in it".

I can sit here and wonder, but it really takes me out of where I am and where I can go ..

I hate this hard place I have been in for over a year now ... but I can't look back, I can only look forward into each step I am making every day, and those are hopeful GOOD steps forward, not backwards.

being ok with what is here!

25d5bb7855515b887cfbfb44d1f07ba8Today in session I really opened up about being okay and accepting for where I am in this journey... it was a great session with a lot of realization! I can sit here and think ahead and wonder "where would I be today had I not gone through a particular hard situation a few years ago that really threw me into a hard isolated emotional place by past triggers?

I can sit here and wonder about how things would be today if things were different from the past to the obstacles I have faced along the way.

I can sit here and wonder all the "what if's" or feelings of shame and guilt for still being in and out of hard places.

I can sit with all those wonderment's, but then I ask myself "where do those wonderment's take me? The only place it takes me is out of the here and now, and if I pay attention too much to what if or I wonder, I miss what is happening right here, right now.

My therapist and I talked this morning about healing happening in THIS very moment that fills in the holes of "what if's".  I am not the same person I was 8 years ago when I first began therapy. I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Growing with each healing step, I am a new person going forward every day.

YES I have had a very hard year and a half with being isolated emotionally .. but the thing is, each day I am taking steps out of that, and although sometimes I can't always see those steps, I certainly won't see them if I look into the "WHY'S" or "WHAT IF'S" .. it's all about what I can do in THIS moment, what my healing process is doing in THIS moment!

My therapist always says to me "what do we have the most control over in THIS moment? his answer to that is always "we can talk about anything" .. and that is what I am doing and focusing on - being in this moment and talking about this moment for what it is.

YES I may have been in a totally different place today had 3 years ago not happened in my healing that triggered me into an emotional set back.. I can sit and cry about it .. but do I want to cry about it because it happened, or should I cry about it because it DID happen and it hurts and that's why I am crying. There is a difference.

I can't change what happened to me as a child, but I can sure talk about how it makes me feel some days and let that be the healing process of what heals those painful wounds, not trying to wish it away or wish it different.

Today in therapy I REALLY came to a place where I am just ready to accept where I am. Accept that I am still in this healing process in therapy, and its GOOD and its GOOD WORK and its HEALING work! I can use that as my hope that on the other side of this is the life I want to live and be in... in fact, I am already there, I just need to learn how to be here.

I left session this morning just feeling so hopeful .. and I am grateful for having such a wonderful therapist who has walked with me through all these WHAT IF'S .. but more importantly he has walked with me on this path of the HERE and NOW and that is what matters most.. THAT is where the healing happens ..

We may not always understand why we are where we are.. we may not always understand our path, we may not always understand why things happen the way they do, or have all the answers in front of us, but if we sit and try to figure that all out, we miss what is right in front of us.... and that is "what we have control over in this moment to make us as happy as we can be" and still heal - what has, and what did.

being good enough

I-am-Good-Enough-setting21I have been working on a small art project, or at least trying to, and I haven't had the courage to really dig deep into it, and I think fear is holding me back. Fear of not doing it good enough, fear it wont be what I hope for!

The same thing goes with my writing in the blog. I used to write all the time, almost every day in my blog, and for some reason I have just come to a complete STOP!

Fear of not doing it good enough, or finding the perfect words to say!

My therapist said something to me in session this morning that really gave me the courage to write this blog and push past this block that has been here for weeks, and that is "you can't mess up the project your working on, because however it turns out, it will be good enough because you did it".

I can write drafts, I can make practice journal art pages, I can trial all the things I want to do before the real thing, but truth is, no matter how right or wrong I do it, it will be good enough, because it's ME and WHO I AM.

I think a lot of my blocks in not writing is fear I won't do it right, or fear my words are not strong enough. Fear it wont be accepted or make sense. Fear I wont be happy with it and not feel good enough! ...

Then there are fears that so make sense ... fears that I am still healing and recovering from ..

It stops now! I am going to take my therapist's wisdom and be who I am no how messy or right I get it. I love the quote

"we can only ever be who we really are, good enough"

I am done trying to wait for the perfect moment to write the best blog with the best words, or waiting to work on this amazing journal page I am ready to work on, no matter how un-perfect it is, its going to be perfect because its me and who I am.

I showed my therapist the "TESTER JOURNAL PAGE" I worked on this past weekend, and he was in AWE of it .. he said to me "this is the test journal art page? to him he though it was perfect as it was, to me it was just a test before the real one is made.. he made me realize that what I worked on was good enough, that is me and who I am.. I created that whether it was the real thing or not.

The same goes with my writing from now on ... as I continue to make steps out of this isolation and healing I am working so hard through, I will show up as I am.. messiness and all .. the good and the hard..  emotions and all .. being GOOD ENOUGH for who I am.

It feels good to sit here and write ... just letting the words flow off my fingers as I write and not worry if I am doing a good job writing what I want to write.. because this.. today .. will be ... GOOD ENOUGH!

my journey to healing

6c0464f38780ca646670f362a30d2924This month marks 8 years that I have walked this amazing path of healing in therapy with a wonderful wisdom filled therapist. It hasn't been an easy 8 years, but it has been a liberating life changing 8 years.

8 years ago, I drove my car up this long and winding mountain side road heading towards this place I would spend the next 8 years discovering all the parts of me I never knew before.

I remember this day like it was yesterday, but never did I think I would endure a journey quite like this.

This journey that I have been on for 8 years has been life changing for me on so many levels. It hasn't always been easy, and my healing certainly took some really hard roads along the way, but that is where I believe I grew stronger.

One of the things that I have learned in therapy is that, healing is not just about healing the past, but more so it's about walking along side of your past to meet you where you are today.

You can't heal your past, you can't fix it, nor can you change what happened - but you can welcome it to where you are today so that you can live forward.

A couple of years ago my healing hit a really hard wall, and for the past year or so I have really been going through a hard hard time with self isolation.

This past year has been one of the hardest years I have ever been through, but because of this amazing 8 years on this healing journey, I have faith and hope that I will take all that I worked through and apply it to help move me out of this hard place I have been in.

It's because of the 8 years I have been working with my amazing therapist that I trust and know that I will move out of this hard place and not only will I move out of this hard place, but I will move out of it healing more wounds that I covered for so long. Sometimes it takes a really hard place to bring out the deepest of wounds.

I can't say enough amazing words about my therapist of 8 years now. When I first walked into therapy, I was behind so many walls that I didn't even know who I was. He carefully took my hand and slowly pulled me out from behind this wall and showed me what true safe connection was, and the possibility of life before me.

My therapist - he is this wisdom filled inspiring person who has really guided me through this very hard path in a safe, loving, trusting, and connecting way.

I admire him and look up to him for the wisdom he has helped me to find in my own self and healing. He is such a good person with a big heart and really listens beyond the ears of hearing.

I am blessed that God sent me this amazing person I have walked this path with, and continue to take healing steps out of this hard place and into the life I know is possible for me.

Therapy is a hard process, but a healing process if you just walk into it knowing that you are not going to change what has happened or fix it, but that you are going to find a way to accept what it is that has happened, but finding YOU in the middle of it to become the person God intended you to be.

Every day I am getting closer and closer to the other side of this hard place I have been in this past year, and I trust I will find my way out of this hard isolation I have been in - BECAUSE of the 8 years I have seen the healing happening within.

I wont' lie, there are days I struggle hard with not knowing if I will ever move out of this hard place that I have been in this past year, but looking back at all the hard roads I have conquered and overcome - I know I will move out of it. I trust I will move out of it.

It's true what they say, healing is not an overnight process, it's not a destination, there is no time frame for healing - it's a change within that happens along side of the healing.

Healing is not just made up of  a therapy room with me and my therapist.. healing is about everyone coming together. It's therapy, me, my therapist, God, connection, my family, my friends, and those who surround me with love, support and connection. Healing is made up of all those things.

Patience and trust are the 2 things I carry with me every day in this process... not always easy, but needed in order to move forward.

I am blessed for these past 8 years and for my therapist who has walked this journey with me..  and I will continue to look forward as I heal, without a time frame or expectation in mind, but rather knowing I am becoming the person I was intended to be - who God intended me to be.

writing for me

JPEG image-4DDD67A6E979-1When I first began my blog about 6 years ago, I was very hesitant about others seeing what I wanted to write about; what my deepest thoughts were. So I started out the blog by talking about things that were easy, like - "how much I love my boys", "Photos of the family" "every day little thoughts", poems, quotes, just little things that people coule relate to.

As I began to feel the blog water out, I began writing from my heart! I began to write about the past and all the haunting stories that fill my soul even today.

I began telling people my story in how I am a "adult survivor of child sexual abuse" and how living with that every day effects me.

I Then began writing about my therapy and the healing process. I began writing about the truths of the every day struggles of healing, mixed in with a little bit of my faith.

But the one thing I noticed, was that my blog was responded to a lot when I wrote about faith, and family, and the every day things that others can relate to... but on the days I wrote about the struggles of my healing - there was silence - hardly any responses but just very few.

I felt alone, and thought "maybe my voice is too loud".

I have written my thoughts out since I was as little as 5 years old. Putting my thoughts out there from the heart was how I healed, and today it still works the same way - when I write about my healing and the process of healing that I go through every day, it helps, it heals, it gives me voice to the dark.

I noticed that my writing has been few and in between lately. I am hesitant (for many other reasons from 3 years ago when I was watched closely by another around my therapy writing) but I am hesitant to really put my thoughts out there about my every day struggles and healing in fear I wont connect with anyone.

I began to write less and less, and I noticed the past couple of weeks this VOID in my heart ... I want to write about EVERYTHING! I want to write about my healing process, I want to write about the truths and the struggles and even the good in the struggles and not fear it wont make a connection with others.

I know that when I write about the things that people tend to shy away from, there is less connection - but the thing is, how can people turn from truth? I can't fake it, and I wont fill my blog with only smiles and rainbows and how much I love God!

Yes, I am a very faithful woman, I love God, love my faith, love my family, and I am all about writing about the good, but why shy away from the hard? Why shy away from writing about things that heal; even if it's a hard road that got me there?

I spent a childhood being silenced to only talk about the good and never the hard or the bad, I don't want to live that way again. I am tired of writing to please the connection and others out there, and when I do write about the hard and the healing, there are those who truly stand by me and get it, and that feels good!

A couple of weeks ago, I created a Facebook group called "Together We {BLOG} and I have met some wonderful people from all walks of life.. people who are faithful and love their faith, people who write for the love of writing, and yes even people who struggle and battle with struggles from the past and living life with trauma issues.

I began to read other people's blogs and how free their writing is, and how much I miss writing about all the sides of me, not just the good and faithful, and how much I love my family and god .. I missed writing about the very things people shy away from.

It has taken me a long time to say "I am an adult survivor of Child Sexual Abuse" and I am not about to put that back into silence anytime soon.

I miss writing the way I used to write 3 years ago .. about all the things in my life, and yes the healing part - my every day healing process and the walks an steps I take in therapy, which is a huge part of my life.

I have decided this week that I am no longer going to silence myself from the things I fear doesn't create a connection, because I look at it this way, if people can't connect with all of me, all sides of me, the good and the struggles, then it's not a connection to begin with.

The quote that came into mind this past week "When writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen"

I look forward to opening my blog once again and not having the tension of what I should write about to be accepted in connection.. I will write from the heart, write for the truth, write about the things that are hard and good.. and most importantly I am going to write for ME!

Linking up with "Three Word Wednesday"

Blessed for this jouney

lp-8We are sitting here in the midst of Easter, holy week, a week that holds so many blessings, a remembrance for what God has done for the very blessings we have. Sometimes life moves us away from seeing the many blessings that we do have. We get busy, life gets in the way. We sometimes forget that those blessings are what lights our way in the darker times of our days.

Even in the harder times I have gone through in the past couple of years around this isolation, I have never forgotten the blessings that I am surrounded by.

Sometimes it takes sitting and really looking at those blessings that help light the path along the journey we are on every day.

Tonight as I sit here, I can name many things I am angry about, frustrated about, feel sad about, and how much I want to move fully out of this hard place I have been in, but what is more challenging is looking past the darkness and pointing out the light of blessings that I do have.

I am blessed for GOD who recently reminded me of just how worthy and loved I am by those around me. When God saw how hard of  a time I was going through, he made sure to carry me through the day to show me just how loved I am and how he watches over me every day.

I am blessed for my wonderful husband of 24 years and the amazing boys I have that really make my life complete. Without them, I could not be the person I am today.

I am blessed for this healing journey I have been on for 8 years, and even though it's the hardest work I have ever done in my life, it sets the path to each road I have taken thus far. I have an amazing therapist who has stood by me through so many dark moments, and always held a light next to me to remind me "hey this is who I see, you may not see it, but I see you" and helped me through each step on this journey.

I am blessed for my friends, those who truly know me and the struggles and still love me no matter what.

I am blessed for all my blog friends who I have become friends with and really gotten to know ... to many to name, but you know who you are. I am truly blessed for your connection and your friendship in doing what we love to do - write!

I am blessed for the light and the stars that leads us to the many things we cannot find in the darkness.

I am blessed that this year I have made many good good steps out of these dark places and I am beginning to see more light.

I am blessed for the ability to sit here and write why I am blessed, and look back on this and know, that even thought I can name 20+ reasons why I am sad, angry, or frustrated ... there are 20 better things I am blessed for .. no it doesn't take away the hard, it just makes the dark a little less dark, and sheds lights in all the places we need to see.

My therapist said something today that I haven't been able to stop thinking about ... he said "every time we work together, I look for the cracks in the darkness you hold, and I hold that hope to help find ways for you to move out of this hard isolation you have been in" ... THAT is truly a blessing to know that someone is willing to see the dark you hold, and still have hope there are cracks in that darkness waiting to shine!

So if I take all the things that are hard and all the things I am blessed for, and put them together, I have a hard but good path that I continue to walk, and know that when it gets dark or hard, there will always be light if I choose to look for it.

Tuesday at Ten {BLESSED}

61a33c964f42034e6fa014188775706dWelcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 1 full week to use the prompt word to your liking! You can use the word in any way, past tense, or as an action, use the word to which it fits you best. Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 1 week to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection!

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for weekly updates and more!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN!

Today’s Prompt word is {BLESSED} you can also use {BLESSING} in past tense.. anyway you can use the word!

⊱✿ ✿⊰  ⊱✿ ✿⊰  ⊱✿ ✿⊰

God given {strength}

52cda585b70525a3469af397879c55d2Monday I awoke the feeling of sadness, unworthiness, and feeling not good about myself! I felt horrible inside - not good enough. This has been a struggle for me off and on for the past year, it has been a part of the work in therapy for the past couple of months now.

I went into therapy that morning and opened up to my therapist about not feeling good enough! He understands this struggle as I have been struggling with it for quite some time now.

These feelings filled the room Monday morning and the room was quiet as I silently prayed to God to give me some strength through the day.

GOD SHOWED UP - every step of the way throughout the day. It was hair-raising!

It began when I went to the store and this woman complimented me on the shirt I had one, and I thanked her and smiled.

I then got a message from someone that was filled with beautiful words of understanding and I wondered where that came from.

I then went to the craft store and this little girl who was about 7 or 8 years old was standing next to me and she said "you are so pretty" .. I blushed because it came out of no where as her mom sweetly smiled at her daughters outward-ness towards me.

I then check my facebook and I got this sweet sweet message on my wall from a woman named Helen that was just touching to the soul.. saying how I have helped her and what a good person I am..

I stopped for a moment and I said "ok God, I see what your doing, thank you" ...

and it didn't s top there ... I got more compliments through the day and I began feeling m hair raise on my arms at the thought that God is telling me "you are worthy Karen, I want you to see that".

I began to see all these series of events happening through the day and I was reminded by my therapist that God speaks to us through others, and it wasn't until today that I REALLY saw that..

Today I logged onto my Facebook and saw a message that I didn't see Monday, and it was around 2pm (the same time I was getting all those other wonderful messages from all sorts of people, and she left me the most heart warming message and it was that moment I realized GOD truly was showing me something Monday ... and today was a reminder that he was there, walking along side of me in my unworthiness all day to show me what I was and what I wasn't.

God given strength is what showed up Monday and even right now as I write this. God see's our pain and finds ways to relay messages of hope to us, and I truly believe that even more so today. I am touched that God chose to walk with me on a day I felt so lonely and unworthy to show me what I needed to see

... how I feel are just feelings and the truth is, I am worthy of being and belonging!

Thank you God for walking with me not only Monday in the hardest of days, but everyday. Thank you to all those who reminded me of who I am in your life and allowing God to speak through you giving me more hope as I take steps out of this hard place I have been in.

I am BEYOND BLESSED.

Q & A with KarenBeth

karensnow4My dear good friend Andrea from hopeannfaith.com inspired me to do this questionnaire this morning . . . it looks fun and thought I would give it a go this morning as a way to connect with others and with myself. Begin with a recent photo of self {on left} first snow day in Georgia!

1.What part of the world do you live?

I live in Woodstock Georgia. . . been here for 9 years as my husband's company moved us here for his work, but I am originally from New Hampshire. Love the south!

2.How long have you been blogging? I have been blogging for about 8 years now, if you really want to know, I have been writing since I was 5 years old, but blogging online for 8 years, writing was built into my soul!

3.To visualize even better what you look like – what color is your hair, your eyes… and how tall are you? I am a short 5'2", my boys who are much taller always remind me of that! I have natural dark brown hair and have brown eyes!

4.What is your favorite color? Green is my favorite color!

5.What is your favorite kind of music? I love all types of music . . from top 40, to 70's from the past! I love dance music, and even some Jazz when I want to relax . . . I have a wide range of music taste!

6.What is your favorite food or kind of food? My Favorite food is Steak and Potato with a salad! I am not much of a risk taker with trying new foods, but my all time favorite is Beef Roast with Mash Potatoes .. good northern meal!

7.What is your favorite drink? I LOVE COFFEE, but I stopped drinking it a while ago! Red Bull (although not good for me) is my 2nd favorite.

8.What is your favorite place you’ve ever traveled? And where would you like to go that you haven’t yet? Well, I don't travel much, but my favorite place that I have traveled to was New York City with my husband on his business trip. I walked the whole time square myself, it was a lot of fun. I would LOVE to go to Hawaii! I have always wanted to go there! Being on the beach is my favorite thing to do, so being in Hawaii would be a DREAM!

9.Which famous person dead or alive would you like to meet and why? I was stuck on this answer ... I am not sure who I would want to meet ... I need more time to think on this one ... anyone inspiring!

10.What new or unique hobby would you like to try? I have always wanted to learn how to play the PIANO! I am very quick with the fingers, can type 130wpm, and was always told I could learn the piano quick . . . have always wanted to create a beautiful song on the piano!

11. Why do your write, and what is the focus of your blog? I write because its a way for me to let go inward! I have loved writing in I was as little as 5 years old. A stack of paper and a pencil and I was happy! Today I am the same way, I love to write because it helps me release feelings and thoughts that are trapped inside.

The focus of my blog began with thoughts on every day things, but then I got braver and deeper and began writing along my healing in therapy as a part of my healing process. The focus on my blog has always been to connect with others, but it has been for me to get to know my own feelings and help heal along the process of the healing I do everyday.

I write because I LOVE IT, it completes me.

*Bonus #12. What is something unusual about you that people may not know? I am a WEATHER GEEK! I LOVE severe weather! I have a skywarn certificate and storm spotter certification through the national weather service.. I LOVE to track weather, tornadoes and storms .. I would LOVE to storm chase with the meteorologists out mid west someday! SOMEDAY I will : ).. I am a weather geek! only summer weather, not snow or winter weather!

YOUR TURN if you wish to take on this challenge.. would love to see what you all would come up with :)

Five Minute Friday {Plan}

301c78c2fd8d8efdeef2011a8bbb9160Welcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {PLAN}

One of the things I have struggled with the most is letting go of what it is I want vs what it is God has in plan for me.

I am the type of person that likes to have a plan of action right in front of me. I want to know what to do in all the "what if's" . . . if this happens, then I will do this, and if that happens, then what? what should I do next?

Although sometimes this can be helpful, I have noticed that when I let myself just "be" with the moment in what is going on, work with the moment, move through the moment - it happens for that very moment.

I have learned the hard way that sometimes having a plan is setting myself up for failure and possible disappointment and hurt.

Just recently I have changed how I move through harder moments or even unknown moments. I take one step at a time in front of me, and let God have the plan for me. I allow God to be in charge, and my only job is to "be" and "accept" the moment for what it is.

I am not saying not planning anything out is the answer, you need a plan in life, but it's those moments that you try and change the direction out of "vulnerability" or "comfortableness", I have learned to accept those moments and allow myself to be vulnerable and yes sometimes uncomfortable.

I have noticed a change the past month or so, now that I am not planning everything out according to what would be "easier" or more to "my plan" .. letting God take the wheel sometimes and accepting what is here has made me realize that healing is not only found in the ways we move through things, its found in the ways we struggle through those moments - its where we gain the most strength.

Allow yourself to just BE and allow God to show you what it is he has in plan for you - Accept it, embrace it, even the hard parts.

{END}

It {Begins with God}

7c2371eefe65fc8932ca2a141bef8c1aI am linking up with "Three Word Wednesday" today, and I am choosing "Begins with God" as the three words that really resonate with me today. Today, about 2 hours ago, I took a step that I haven't been able to take in over a year, I went to confession at church and did penance. I went to church and embraced my faith and really took a step towards God again.

I was never away from God, I was more so away from myself, and when we are away from ourselves we sometimes distance ourselves from God and all those who love us.

Like I wrote about last week, I have been isolated from people and things in my life for about a year ... being away from church has been the hardest of the isolation, because I know how much the church and being in my faith and around those in my faith makes me happy.

Today I took that step towards God and my faith, and not only did I take a step, but I confessed and put myself out there in front of God .. it was such a big step for me today. It felt amazing to be in that place that makes me feel whole.

I know that God is everywhere... God is sitting with me right in this moment as I write this, but something about going to church and putting everything else away in my life to be in his presence is such a big big thing for me.

SO much of our days are filled up with busyness and computers, and phones and phone calls, and errands and kids .. we never stop to really take time out with God.. this was always my way to take time out for God and to really allow myself to "HEAR" him. It's so important and today I really got how important that was to me.

A year has been a long long time for me.. but so hasn't the isolation I have been through ... I have gone through tough times.

My therapist and I talked about that a lot today and we both wondered what would come first? me taking a step out of the isolation, or finding a way to feel worthy first .. well, today, I realized, it begins with GOD .. the first step is always with our creator, because he knows our heart the most.

Tuesday at Ten {Grow}

IMG_2139Welcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 1 full week to use the prompt word to your liking! You can use the word in any way, past tense, or as an action, use the word to which it fits you best. Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 1 week to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection!

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for weekly updates and more!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN!

Today’s Prompt word is {GROW}

 

Anxiety is "NOT" a choice!

1e97210e8af65ca92df38efa0fac92f0That moment when you go from 0 to 100 in a matter of one second! The sense of doom and dread - your heart pounds - your lips go numb - your palms sweat - the heart beats faster - you lose all sense of what is real and what is not!

You then start pacing the room back and forth thinking your about to die; thinking something really bad is about to happen - you think it's the end - everything gets dark - fear is clinging onto your every thought - and the cycle repeats itself making all the symptoms heighten until you somehow pull yourself out of it - or worse pass out!

THAT is anxiety! NOT a choice! Who would EVER want to go through that?

A woman on Facebook name Dani Johnson, "well known" for her wealth, and making millions of dollars by giving people tips on how to be successful wrote a status message saying "Anxiety is a choice, instead, CHOOSE peace!"

"INSTEAD choose peace?????"

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When I read that, my blood boiled, as did thousands of other people who read that and found it's offensiveness!

Anxiety I assure you is NOT a "choice"! Anxiety is crippling to the mind and body, and when these attacks come on, it's far from anything I can control.

I experienced my first Anxiety attack when I was 22 years old. It was so bad an ambulance was called because I thought I was having a heart attack! Come to find out, I was experiencing a full blown anxiety attack. The attack  was so bad that I feared having another attack, and I couldn't sleep for weeks.

Does that sound like a choice to you?

who would ever choose to not sleep for weeks? I would do anything for peace, but THAT was not a choice! Peace was no where to be found in the lingering fear that anxiety would find it's 2nd or 3rd round!

Sometimes the attacks I have gone through were so bad that it left me cold and shaking until I fell asleep, and when I woke I felt like I had been through a war! it was a war, an internal fight to where I was 1 against 100! 100 things going on inside that I had no control over!

Over time, I have learned to control them better, but never a choice of when or where they will show up.

I have learned to re-frame my mind a little better when they come, I am able to jump out of an anxiety attack quicker, but NEVER can I stop them from coming or taking over anytime it happens.

It's never been a choice of mine when it happens or how it happens! it's self crippling when it happens!

If Anxiety were a choice, there would be no such thing as anxiety. You can't choose anxiety, you can't even make it happen, or worse off, you can't even make it stop when it starts - it's something completely out of the mind and body's control.

Millions of people in the world suffer from anxiety. People with PTSD, war victims, people who have disorders and or other health issues, this is NOT a choice. Saying anxiety is a choice is like telling people Cancer is a choice.

I feel heavy hearted having read this woman's cruel hearted opinion of others, and still she stands by her belief.

Sadly, it's people like her that are the "stigma" for mental health and people who suffer from these issues in the world NOT talked about. It's people like her that put people like us who suffer from such anxiety INSIDE an isolated world where "no one understands" "we are not allowed to talk about it". ANXIETY is REAL!

No anxiety doesn't show up on a breast exam or a mammogram, or even a MRI, you can't see anxiety, but it's there! no one could possibly understand the depths of anxiety if you have never experienced it - there are no words for it's crippling marks it leaves on the mind and the soul. You feel alone because no it's can't be seen, only felt!

But, I say this - just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist! People suffer from it, and we need to start opening our eyes to those who deal with this horrible disease. Stand up for those who suffer and help those who are ignorant to these helpless diseases, and show them how real it is. Give all a voice to what is real and what others go through!

if you suffer from Anxiety, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! even those who are in denial of it's realness.

Five Minute Friday {Gather}

family-tree-image-from-cover-of-2013-ARWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {GATHER}

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I am a huge believer in "Connection"

My main goal for writing and creating my blog 8 years ago was to not only write for myself as a release and outlet, but it was also to connect with other people, and show others that having a voice was important and accepted.

Coming from a childhood where my only connection was with God and the very few who I let into my life, connection was not something I trusted or even understood.

Today I have learned a lot about what connection means and what that looks like to be in connection with others; which also helps a connection to self.

I truly believe that God created us to be in connection with each other; that he gathers us together and we are all walking the same path together at times.

I believe all of us who write daily on our blog do it to not only put our voice out there, but to "gather" people together to read what we each go through, making a connection with others to walk the path of life together hand in hand.. we are never alone.

That is why I write! I write to connect -  another part of that direction that I feel God spoke through me to create yet another way for write from the heart to be in connection with others.

{END}

create in me a clean heart oh God {Psalms 51:10}

2947df321bab7c52442ce653087f640e"Create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me" {psalms 51:10} Since my mom passed away over a month ago, I have gone through many emotions around my faith.

I think it's normal to have doubts and feelings around faith when we lose someone and the confusion that is around that.

For me, it began with doubts, but then grew me closer to God in a way that has me yearning for his presence in my life even more.

Yesterday in session I began pouring out my heart to my therapist about my "missing" the church family and my presence I had in the church with others, but most importantly with God.

I know God is everywhere, but there is something about being a part of my church that has really helped me to grow big in my faith.

It's been a year since I have stepped into church, and it's not because I don't love it; but has everything to do about this isolated depression I have gone through for over a year now.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about church and how much I was a part of that family. I miss it, I long for it, and I am working hard on making steps back.

It's not just about getting up and going, if that were the case, I would already be back there!! trust me, my heart is already there! There is so much more tied to what I have gone through (a couple of years ago) that has kept me far not only from church, but from others who love and care for me.

I isolated from EVERYONE! Everyone but my husband and kids!

Until you have been in my place, or are in my place, I can' even begin to explain how it has felt to be isolated from everyone because of how you feel about yourself and the fear tied to all the things around you.

I think thats why they call it isolation, because there are no words to tell others how you feel, so you just push them away instead. It's a lonely place when you feel no one understands, so I chose to isolate so that I am only disappointing myself and not others.

Yet, I miss everyone that used to be a part of my life so much.

I have done a lot of hard hard work in therapy on taking steps back into the life I once loved and knew, it has been a lot of work, but I learned a lot in these steps; things I didn't even realize that were there.

This past week I really feel God is working hard in me, I feel it like I have never felt it before. He is speaking to me through others,  and I know it's just a matter of time I will step back into the places that once defined me and made me happy.

Whats stopping me? Fear, how I feel about myself, and my worthiness. Fear I will be rejected or abandoned in the process of taking steps towards my friends, church, even a fear god may leave my side in this hard journey.

I want it more than anything, and each day I really feel myself a lot closer than the day before. But the one thing I have learned in this process of taking steps back is: I can't force it or fake it. It has to be when my heart is ready. It's not something anyone can do for me, it's not something that can be forced upon me, I have to be the one that takes the steps needed out of this hard place I have been in the past year and a half.

I can be supported, I can be loved and cared for and have all the cheerleaders in the world by my side, but it's me that has to take those steps back into my life and out of the isolation.

Yes I have taken lots of good steps out already; steps that I don't really talk about. God knows it, he see's it and I believe that is why his presence has been so strong.

I truly believe that my mom's passing opened my eyes wider to this process of stepping out of the hard year and a half I have been through. At first it was confusing, I was angry she passed away and it almost felt like steps backwards for a while, but now I see it as a way of using Gods grace as a way to hear and see all the things I have not seen and heard in quite a while.

There isn't a Sunday that goes by that I don't long to be in the place I once called home; a place where people actually told me I had a glow around me every day I was there. You couldn't get me away from this wonderful place - until I was hit with a hardness that took me away from everything and shook my life into pieces.

This quote "Create in me a clean heart Oh God and renew a right spirit within me" this is the process I am taking and I believe I will find my way back, I am already half way there ... but with anything it takes many small steps sometimes, but in those small steps are big changes.

I love the things that God is showing me. I pay attention to everything around me, because I know he is showing me the colors where they have been black and white for long now.

Five Minute Friday {Visit}

4188-oWelcome to Five Minute Friday to where us bloggers are given a word prompt and write for just 5 minutes simply for the joy of writing. No editing or backtracking. No need to be perfect. Just words freely flowing from my heart to yours. Set the timer and write away! Stop at the 5 minute mark no matter where you are!

 

Today’s Five minute Friday word is {VISIT}

{START}

Since beginning therapy almost 8 years ago now, a huge part of the healing work has been about "visiting the past to heal" . . . but the key to that healing work is learning how to "not" stay in the past, but use that healing as a way to live today.

It took me a long long time to learn that, because sometimes when you push your painful past so far away, visiting it again to heal sometimes brings you back to where you can't leave. A part of the work has been about learning to go there, heal the wounds, heal the pain, talk about the hurt, but even more so, coming back to now and being with what is right here and right now.

It's not always easy! For me, I have had some struggles going to the past and getting stuck there.. its only been through God that he has truly helped me and reminded me where I am and where I belong. He has been the supporter of my healing.

Its only when I truly allowed myself and God to go with me to the past and heal, that I can find my way back a little easier each time.

It's true .. the past is a place to visit and heal, but certainly not a place to stay. The path always goes forward, not backwards. A part of my healing has been about how visiting the past and healing those wounds can make going forward more hopeful filled with life and joy that God wants me to see and be.

Now, 8 years later into my healing, I have learned how to go back, be with what is there, and use that as my steps forward - the path that is meant to be mine. Every day it gets a little easier .. and someday I will be able to look back and know the past is completely a place to visit, but right here is where I truly belong.

Tuesday at Ten {FEAR}

fearWelcome to Tuesday at Ten! The Tuesday blog Link up where you have 1 full week to use the prompt word to your liking! Whether it be just writing a story behind the prompt word, or being as creative as you wish using photos, poems, art, or graphics – whichever creative way you choose.

You have 1 week to write and link up your blog at the bottom of the page so that others can link up with you. Be sure to visit your “link up” neighbor and spread the joy of connection!

Make sure to visit the Tuesday at Ten Facebook page for weekly updates and more!

Remember  – it’s not about being perfect, it’s about being YOU. Have FUN!

Today’s Prompt word is {FEAR}

"accept the thing you cannot change"

b917bc60fa0d3bc256e7fd86c0b99f04*I am also using this for the Five Minute Friday word OPEN as well as my Tuesday at Ten Link Up* While it's not always easy, sometimes the healing can be found in true acceptance of what is here - no matter what it is, or how it makes us feel, - its here because it needs to be here!

That has been a hard lesson to learn over the years. I could never understand why I can't change something and the way it feels - especially emotions.

The path that I have been on the past month or so still continues to move forward and healing continues to happen - the hardest part? accepting how it feels.

Sometimes if you allow yourself to be open to whatever comes next, you can accept what is here and what is to be.

Emotions showed up big again the other night. I found myself crying to the point of not being able to breathe . . . feelings about my moms passing, feelings about the sadness I had for myself moving out and away from this isolation I have been in, I was sad and it hurt and yet at the same time, I just accepted it as "feelings that need to be heard and felt".

That old saying "you can't heal what you don't feel" . . I never believed in that before, I think I am beginning to believe that.

These emotions that have been showing up lately mean something, and I am trying to accept them as being information; not hopeless never ending feelings that just feel bad.

My therapist and I have been talking about this a lot in our work, and the one thing that really makes sense in all this is, when we are in isolation physical from the work like I have been in the past year, emotions also get trapped inside the isolation, so my therapist said to me that even the emotions showing up are feelings finding their way out to be felt, heard, honored, and something to understand to help taking the steps continued forward.

I agree with him, but in the midst of emotions its hard to see it that way.

My eating has also been in isolation this past year.. I am slowly beginning to eat more, which oddly also brought up emotions the other day. I guess it all works together like a healing circle, and my hope is, eventually I will move out and away from what the isolation has been for me in all ways - emotionally, physically, and even spiritually.

All those things were effected in this hard 2 years that had passed - but my hope is, with the acceptance comes a greater healing.

It's amazing what a little acceptance can do. . . it feeds the healing process on a whole new level.