the understanding heals

september-27-2012Last week is a pure good example of how much and how big something can heal in the understanding vs not understanding. When I began therapy 6 years ago and started to tell my story one year into therapy, the details of the abuse were just words.

When I would describe the abuse in detail to my therapist, I would hide into my hands, close my eyes really tight, sometimes block my ears, or cry into his shoulder and say the words really fast so that I wouldn't hear what it was I was saying.

I have told my story many times in therapy, and each time I have come to learn that when I truly get to the understanding of what happened to me, when I TRULY accept that I was abused, it heals something deep inside that I cannot even explain.

I am a sponge for information. I love to know why and how something works. I love to understand things to the very bottom of it, but the abuse and all the pain that I have gone through in my life, there was no answer, there was no understanding, and that caused me to be in denial that what I went through was that bad!

One day a couple of months ago I said to my therapist "I was really hurt bad wasn't I?", and I remember my therapist taking a deep breath in, and letting out this big sigh of relief that I finally was able to see  that "I was hurt" and "no this was not my fault".

Last week was a hard week for me, and it wasn't until I understood why that I started to feel better.

This week my therapist is gone on vacation and although we have stay connected, I feel connected and healing is taking place in this very moment because I understand why I felt so horrible last week, and what caused it, and better yet - what I can do to heal that wound.

There have been many times in therapy that I have come to an understanding about something, and it clicks! When I understand something, It helps me to fix it or over-come it. It's when I come up against something I don't understand that confuses me and that is why last week was so hard - I didn't understand why at first, but then it hit me, and I started the healing process of why I was grieving so much.

I truly believe what "Pema Chodron" says in her quote above "Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know".

Last week I needed to know that those chapters I wrote in my book "the closet" and "motherless" were painful. I needed to know and see how badly I was hurt, how much I need a mom in my life, and why.

I needed to understand what it is I long for, and what I am grieving, and because of that understanding - this week I feel healing taking place.

I know that there is no true understanding to the abuse I endured. I know there will never be a good enough answer as to why my mom is the way she is, or why I was abused daily as a child, but what I do know is, the more I talk about it, the more I accept what happened to me, the more I let my therapist in on the deep details, the more I hear my own voice telling the story -  I will heal and can move on from the pain.

No I don't believe that what I went through will EVER really go away, but I believe the pain will.

Nothing can ever truly take away what happened to me, but I believe that the empowerment is not so much in making it go away, the empowerment is found in the understanding/acceptance of what happened to me. It's about finding peace in knowing that this was not my fault, and I have a right to talk about what happened to me and heal through that.

It's when I open my eyes, heart and soul to something is when I feel TRUE healing takes place, even if it's painful to hear, see and understand, it's still healing - Understanding is healing.