a moment of grace

374121591_17593cff98The past 3 days have been heart wrenching for me and I didn't know why until tonight when my therapist and I realized what was going on. I cried off and on over the weekend, and it progressively got worse!

Tuesday's session came and it got worse and worse and worse. I found myself at home crying in a ball on the couch and not understanding what was going on.

I went to session today and just stared at my therapist and couldn't even talk, which is VERY unlike me. This was VERY VERY uncharacteristic of me, and even I knew it.

Andy my therapist grew concerned, and we both talked about it, and it was hard to fix something that I couldn't understand.

I am the type of person that has to know what is going on at all times. When I know what that problem is, I fix it, I work with it, I heal, I work hard and I move past it.. I have been doing that for 6 years!

These feelings that I had in the past 3 days was something I did not understand.... I could not stop crying.

When I got home from session today, I walked into the house, sat on the couch and stared at the wall for a half hour and my middle son said "mom, whats wrong" and I said "oh nothing Honey, I have a bad headache and I am VERY tired" .. LIE! I never lie, but I could not explain what was going on.

When Ryan went upstairs I CRIED and CRIED. I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, layed down with my face into the back of the couch and I CRIED myself to sleep.

I woke up a half hour later with tears still rolling down my face and I looked over at the writing on my wall, the stencil I have that says "With God, anything is possible"

I sat up, decided to write my therapist a nice long email telling him just how bad I felt (we connect like that a lot) -  he was calling me at 5pm on his way home.

After the email, I got up off the couch and thought I felt better .... I started to SOB again! I couldn't stop! I didn't understand what was going on.. what was HURTING SO MUCH?

I kept saying to myself "WHAT IS WRONG Karen? WHAT IS WRONG?"

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a person who cries much. I am very well put together most of the time, and this made NO SENSE to me.

I walked up to my room to get some things together so I could TRY and go out and do a few errands and I started to CRY up the stairs, in my room, and stood in the corner in my room until It stopped. it was HORRIBLE!

It was close to 5:00 and I sat in my car waiting for the phone call from my therapist, and before he called I started to cry again!

When he called, I picked up, and I cried on the phone and said "Andy, I dont understand what is going on!!" .. he felt SO bad, and was so gentle, caring and loving. He felt bad and wanted to know how he could help me. He knew this wasn't like me at all. He KNEW there was something VERY big going on inside.

We talked for a few and tried to figure out what it could be. HE stayed with me on the phone and just listened to me, and had empathy and care.. he was very supportive in my tears over the phone.

IT FINALLY HIT ME! I said to Andy, "wait a minute, when did I sent my editor my first chapter?" and we both sat there and thought about it as I was wiping the tears and sniffling in while thinking ..

I said "WAIT, I sent that first chapter "The closet" to my editor Friday night and I sent the 2nd chapter called "motherless" Saturday night.

wait a minute.....

Andy said "Karen, your WISDOM.. WOW, YES, that makes sense OH KAREN, I so understand how that could have done something inside"

Andy and I both realized that writing these chapters opened something BIG inside of me. SO BIG it sent me into a DEEP DEEP depression over the past 3 days. I Dont think I ever purged that much tears in the 6 years of therapy, but something about writing those chapters hit me and I didn't realize just how much it effected me.

I wrote some hard chapters and I woke up something inside of me. I woke up some emotions I have never felt.

If you think about it, my actions in the past 3 days was much like "throwing up" like a virus, but instead it was TEARS. I was letting those tears out that I have held in for a very long time.

I was crying because I felt bad for what I went through. I was crying because I wrote about being "motherless" even though my mom is very much alive. I was sad because I saw just how lonely that closet was.

I HAD EMOTIONS and for the first time in 6 years I didn't' have walls to cover them up.

I am still sitting here sad... I am having a hard time with this, but at least now I understand it.

Andy wants me to bring in those chapters, because he wants to see what was in there that brought up those emotions, because if it hurt SO bad, he wants me to heal those wounds, they need healing.

This was a very hard 3 days and I hope by bringing in those chapters tomorrow,I can heal something that needs healing. I have NEVER felt emotions like this in my life. I wanted to die it felt that bad. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

BUT God stood by me, and showed me what it was. He showed me the way of my pain and I paid attention to my wisdom.

I hope I can find some solace and peace in this healing tomorrow, I hope I can find something because I need it. This was hard.

I think I am going to need my therapist by my side when I write the rest of this book.. I dont think I ever want to go through this again, and I think I need the support along my side to write it. Obviously there are wounds that still need love and care and maybe that is something I need to pay attention to.

I found a moment of grace right in the middle of pain, and although it still hurts, there is still grace on the other side.

Thank you for listening .... thank you for your support... most of all, thank you for being there to read my thoughts