I have spent a lifetime hiding behind "true emotions" and putting up walls of okay-ness. I have spent more time in my life putting on a fake front and swallowing the true emotions of how I really feel just to protect others around me.
I ask myself - What am I protecting them from? that is a good question, I don't know, I only know that however I am feeling needs to be put away because I need to be strong and how I really feel doesn't matter.
or so I thought ...
This past weekend I have come to accept and realize that it's more work to hide my feelings and put up a front, than it is just to BE however I am feeling and let it be known by those around me.
I have found myself crying on a whim this weekend and I was confused as to why, but after reading a very insightful and supportive email from my therapist tonight, I know why - I'm allowing myself to BE and that is painful, yet healing!
My therapist and I talked about something very big in session Friday and I opened up some pretty big wounds; wounds that were deep yet insightful. Wounds that were GOOD to open up, but hard to clean out and sit with.
Imagine how painful it is to sit with an open wound that is not yet healed? well that is what this weekend was for me after a big but wonderful session that we had Friday.
I went out for a car ride 9:30pm Saturday night and I was SOBBING while trying to drive, and I thought to myself "what the HELL is going on?" "WHERE IS MY WALL?" ... and I realized I was crying because I needed to cry, I was feeling because I needed to FEEL and maybe that was okay.
Healing is happening this weekend even though it doesn't feel that way.
My therapist explained to me in an email tonight that it makes his heart smile to know I am having a hard time, not because he doesn't care, but because he knows healing is happening in what we talked about Friday. healing is happening because I am finding my self-worth enough to let those feelings be known and felt.
He always tells me "feelings and emotions are information NOT emergencies".
I opened up to my support this weekend and I found it to be so much easier to just be open about how I feel, than to hide behind those true emotions and put up walls of okay-ness.
I felt better as soon as I talked about it. I felt better when my support came back to me with a very supportive caring email filled with hope. My feelings were known instead of it being held in. I feel better NOW vs waiting days and days until I have the courage to talk about it.
There is a lot of power in just BEING in the moment.
It's not an easy lesson to learn when all I know is to hide behind my true emotions and put on a strong front. It's like walking against the current.. it will take time to learn that it's okay to be in the moment of how I feel now, let it be known, talk about it and trust I am supported in the openness no matter how hard it is.
My therapist once told me a long time ago that people are more drawn to authentic emotions and someone who is struggling rather than someone who is hiding behind emotions always feeling they have to be strong. He said "it makes me want to help you more when you lean into those true authentic feelings because I know healing is happening".
I think this weekend has been a moment that I allowed myself to just BE how I was feeling and I reached out in that. It didn't feel good, but in the long run it will create space for me to be how I need to be instead of hiding behind walls of okay-ness.
ON this healing path I am on I am learning so much about myself I never have known before. Everyday is a challenge both painful and joyful, and this weekend I have really learned that it's more work to NOT BE than it is to JUST BE and that is powerful - that is healing!
I am HEALING and it's so okay to feel the way I feel.
I have a big week ahead of me in therapy.. a lot of things I am working hard on, and I hope that I find the strength to continue to be in FRONT of the wall instead of behind it.
I feel better tonight because I decided to get out from behind the wall of "STRONG" and the wall of "OKAY-NESS" and say "Hey I feel sad, I feel tearful, I feel hurt, and I need a little support tonight" and I got it, and I was reached back out to, and I feel better. I was met with care, love and support from my therapist who made me see this is healing and I feel better knowing someone understands.
Maybe there is something to just being. Maybe there is more power in just being than I ever thought .. and MAYBE I can accept that it doesn't mean I am dependent it just means I NEED support sometimes and that is OKAY.