When I began therapy 6 years ago I thought I was walking towards a solve; to reach a finish line and maybe even win the race. But as it turns out, there is no finish line, there is no problem to solve, and the road always continues. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and her thoughts and my thoughts inspired this writing tonight; about how the journey to healing is a place where all feelings and all moments are accepted, and it just adds to the path, doesn't make us closer to an end.
I never thought in a million years that when I first walked into therapy, I would still be walking this path 6 years later. I thought therapy and healing was a process that had a finish line - a task to check off as "another thing to overcome and accomplish", I never looked at it as a continuous journey.
I have learned that on this path of healing there is just as much joy as there is sadness. There is just as much anger along side of calm, and when I accepted and let go of the visionary finish line that I had in my head, I was able to accept all those things and accept that this is a new part of my life.
Healing is a part of my life and always will be in some form.
I don't know when therapy will end, and to be honest I no longer focus on that. I don't know when the path will turn - I don't know when the road changes, I just continue to walk the path in front of me and accept the healing that is happening along the way.
I think for the longest time I held onto this notion that I had X amount of time to complete A B and C and I never allowed myself time to just be on the journey.
When moments were hard, I thought I would never get better.
When moments were good I thought I was done.
When moments were at its most overwhelming I didn't know how to let it be OKAY that I felt overwhelmed.
I thought I had to be a certain way to get through a certain part of the journey and when I didn't meet that criteria, I was disappointed in myself; to the point of putting myself down.
But I finally let that go, and when I did, HEALING began!
The past couple of years I accepted that healing is a process, not a destination. Healing is a road filled with many emotions and that healing also happens in the joy not just the hard.
I was ELATED to know that I didn't just have to walk into therapy to talk about the hard. I could walk in and talk about all my JOYS and DREAMS, and WISHES.
My voice was heard no matter what I wanted to talk about, and I was also supported in any and all emotions.
Since I let go of the hardening expectation on myself to be at a certain place at a certain time, I was able to heal things I never thought I could heal.
I learned how to laugh more in therapy with my therapist, and even be silly!
I learned that it was okay to have sessions where we just sat there and stared at each other and just allowed myself to BE whatever way I needed to be.
I learned that there was no expectation put on me by my therapist, that he was going to walk with me no matter how beaten up the road was.
I learned that I didn't have to be perfect at it - that my healing is accepted in all forms.
I also learned that If I came in with big emotions, that it didn't mean I was weak, it actually meant I was strong.
I don't know where the road turns, I don't know what paths lead to what, but what I do know is, I don't have to use binoculars to look ahead, I can just trust the road ahead with the people who walk along side of me, and however long that takes, it's OKAY!
This is a process of healing, and on this road there is no finish line - just love support and healing.