a bitter sweet moment

tumblr_mlk4ujwLk21ry8cqso1_1280Mother's Day is approaching and I look to this moment as bitter-sweet. Last year at this time I was checked into the hospital with heart issues caused by the pain medicine I was put on that became a quick addiction.

Instead of celebrating a day of being a mom to my teen boys, I was in a hospital bed getting treatment and detoxing from these horrible meds that could have taken over my life and my underlying heart condition.

My husband and boys came to the hospital and brought me beautiful gifts and showered me with love as they normally would, but instead of it being a celebrating moment together, I was in pain going through some really difficult times due to a situation that this put on me months before.

This year however it's different. This year I am home, This year I am healthier - but there are still some deep wounds that still lay underneath that surfaced that I continue to work hard to heal.

Mother's Day has always been a hard day for me, it's always been bitter-sweet.

I love being a mom, and I have the best kids I could ever ask for, but when I look back to my own mom, it hasn't been easy and It's painful to even write about.

Mother's Day is hard because my mom has been bed-ridden for 17 something years or even more (I lost count). It's hard not having a mom by my side when I need her. It's hard not having a mom to do things with. It's hard not having a mom to help me move through the many hard things that a mom's love could heal in a split second.

My mom has been sick almost my whole life. You would think I would be used to it by now, but it still hurts.

Some of my biggest hardest most painful emotions have come in therapy talking about the "need" and the "want" in having a mom.

Healing and talking about that part of my life (not having a mom here for me) have been some of the hardest wounds to heal; so much that to this day, those wounds are still not completely healed, especially on a holiday that represents what this day holds.

So instead I turn around and I use that hurt to be the best mom I can be to my boys.

The sweet part in this holiday this weekend is that I get to celebrate being around my boys knowing I am there for them, and they are here for me.

Last year was hard because it reminded me so much of what I saw on a day-to-day basis in my own mom (being sick), and I didn't want my kids to see that or be subjected to that. So this year, being on a whole new level of healthy, I am happy I get to celebrate a day to where I am and can be the best mom to them I can be - and that is OH so sweet!

last year I remember my boys and my husband taking a walk around the hospital halls and my boys were being the typical teens they are, having fun taking photos, and no matter what, no matter how sick I was coming off the meds and getting my heart better, they STILL knew I loved them; almost like nothing was different, even given the circumstances, and I am glad that my love can give them that assurance that no matter what I am going through - I will always be there for them, no matter what I am going through.

This year we are planning a big breakfast and going for a Sunday drive to the mountains together. This year things are different on so many levels.

This year I have control over what took over me last year, and this year I am open to support, love and care by all those around me instead of turning to pain meds when it got too hard to take.

This year my therapist as he puts it is "leaned in and by my side" and is here for me to support me.

This year I am stronger.

This year I am not in the hospital.

This year I blessed more than I was last year and I am thankful that God and my support helped me to get to this better place.

I know there is healing ahead, and I know the road and path I am back on wont always be the easiest and there will be stumbling blocks along the way, but the bitter-sweet part to this is : although I don't have a mom to be here for me when things hurt, I still have the love I can give to my boys, and know they love me unconditionally back.

I am still on a road to healing the many things that surfaced along the way of this past hard year, but the sweet part is, I am not where I was last year, I moved out and away from the things that hurt me on so many levels, and I am loved, supported, cared for - like my husband, my boys, my friends, my wonderful therapist, and of course always GOD.

it's amazing on how something that can be so painful, can be so sweet if we choose to look to the brighter side.

Happy Mothers Day to all those who celebrate it this year, and I hope that you find your sweet moment this year like I am.

My 3 boys last Mothers Day ..  Ryan (16) Chris (21) and Nathan (14)