I am a true believer that strength is built over time, and persistence is what creates healing. Just this past year alone is proof of just that, and because of that consistant perseverance, I was able to move through something this morning that normally would have sent me running for the hills covered in anxiety.
I had a MRI scan done this morning in Atlanta that my Doctor has been trying to get me to do for months. It came to a point where it was no longer an option; but something that we had to find a way to get this scan done come hell and high water.
I woke up this morning feeling nauseas and a little anxiety ridden, but I got up and built that courage and hope as I got ready to go. I knew I was stronger this time around - I just didn't imagine how much stronger.
My therapist sent me a text with hopeful words, and a care filled, loving connection that made my heart smile reminding me that I am supported and cared for.
I was supported by my husband who came with me and held my hand the whole time in the car asking me every couple of minutes "how are you? are you doing okay?".
I showed up to the scan, and filled out the paperwork, and went back into the room with the nurse after changing into a gurney. I looked over and I saw the small confined place I would be lying still for a whole hour, and my heart began to race a little - but I pushed through it.
I laid there and had to stay absolutely still for a whole hour, not even as much to moving my little finger.
I laid there still as I heard the LOUD THUMPING noises of the machine vibrating inside my chest sending me into small anxiety attacks that could only be felt on the inside, and not being able to act on the outside - but I kept pushing through it.
I played a game and counted in between the thumbs, and I thought about how much strength I have gained over the past couple of years.
I thought about how much of this moment reminded me of all that I have been through in my healing, in the many obstacles in my life that would have normally shut me down from moving through something like this.
As I counted in between the loud thumps of the machine I kept in mind that "this will be over soon, it will be all over and done with, and 6 months fearing over this will finally be over" .. and how much of those thoughts also got me through this past year and all the hard times I have gone through before that.
I truly believe that persistence is the power of moving through fear and hardness.
I believe that strength and perseverance is the way to kick anger and anxiety. I truly believe time heals and that times teaches us how to move through better than the last, and how each moment gets easier if we allow it to.
This same scan that I had today, had me running for the hills in complete fear the last time I tried, and yet today I got through it because of the persistence and the fight forward strength I put into the many hard situation I have been through
2 years ago it took me 6 tries to get me through an aortic scan and my therapist had to meet me at the hospital to finally get it done.
Last year I got to the scan, got on the table, and jumped off it and left in fear as the nurses scratched their head in wonderment as to why something like this fears me so much.
Today I showed up, went in and I did the scan for an hour and pushed through it and THAT is the work of persistence creating path towards healing.
I texted my therapist on the way home and his response was "YOUR THE BEST" and " we will connect by email later tonight".
My therapist is my cheerleader at times and that helps me so much because he truly knows what a scan like this is for me.
Because of my hard fight in the hardness of this past year through the many different things that happened to me, I was able to use that strength to move me through something BIG today and I am pretty darn proud of myself.
I truly believe healing happens over many moments of hardness and fear. I believe that when we push through many hard moments, it knocks away the wall of fear allowing us to sit in the places that were impossible before.
THAT is where the healing is - TIME, STRENGTH and PERSEVERANCE.
I await the results and I know I am supported, loved and cared for. I got through the hardest part, now I just lean on support and go forward.
Later today I will go for a run, I will enjoy the rest of my day knowing that I did something I could have never done a year ago and that is a pretty big rock of empowerment.
So I take this power and I apply it to other hard parts of my healing. In the harder moments I keep saying to myself "the more I fight forward, the more I chip away at the hardness of those rocks in front of me and I heal forward"
It takes time, but time gives me strength and perseverance, and strength and perseverance gives me more strength.