Today in session my therapist and I spent 2 hours having an intimate, truthful, fully open, caring, and understanding conversation, and I left their today having more respect for my therapist and the place of my healing than I ever did before. This past year through all the hard things that happened, there were many ruptures along the way and we never had the space to sit and talk about it. We chugged along in the hard and what we realized was that, we were running in circles, and needed to stop and repair, honor and hear.
My healing path and the relationship between my therapist and I took some hard hits while trying to recover from what the past year held - but we always held on, we always trusted.
There were times I didn't know if I could continue therapy because of how hard the year was, and there was an uncertainty about the healing space and the fear that too much damage was done going forward - but we always held on, we always trusted.
I felt like giving up many times when my healing path felt distorted, but I am no quitter, and we always held on, we always trusted.
My therapist continued to help me see that "we can talk about anything" and that is what moved us for 6 years on this journey, and we always held on, we always trusted - and we still do.
This past weekend I finally fully let go of what the year brought me. I washed my hands of it and decided to stop trying to figure out why, or be in fear that it will happen again and focus on what IS important.
I decided I wasn't going to be "dragged" rather I was going to let go of the rope and turn my focus on what is important, and that is me, my healing, and the wonderful people who surround me in that.
My therapist reminded me that talking about the ruptures and his role as a part of that rupture in this past year was a part of the repair, because that is what we DO have control over; that is what we can fix.... and today we did just that.
and it was one of the best 2 hours I have had in session in 6 years.
Sitting there along side of my therapist talking about how I felt, how he felt, listening, problem solving, caring and having a full understanding was one of the most healing experiences I have ever had.
I was heard, he was heard, a sincere apology from my therapist for what the past year brought onto me, and a repair was made.
This past year was very hard on my healing. My whole path was pushed aside to tend to triggers that awoke the past in a huge way and my life took a hard left turn and there I sat for months and months in constant fear, confusion, and unsureness.
This past weekend and today I got up and got back on the path, and today I grabbed the hand of my therapist and decided that THIS is worth the focus, this is healing, this is letting go of the rope and grabbing ahold of my worth.
Growing up I never knew what repair was. I didn't know what it was like to be apologized to. No one ever cared to sit and listen to my hurt and pain. No one ever heard me. I was never honored in a space to be heard and accepted for the way I felt, and today I experienced being heard in a big way, and there was no judgment, no abandonment, no defensiveness - just ears, a hand and a compassionate heart.
That's my therapist - caring, giving, compassionate, truthful and filled with wisdom that I can never get enough of.
I asked him today "so after all that we have been through, do you think we will get back to where we were?" and he said "no, we wont, we will move to a place better and stronger" He said "You can't lay an old template over something new, it doesn't fit .. we move forward on your healing path with more strength, and a better relationship"
See, that's the wisdom I love .... and I agree with him full heartedly.
Today, healing took place, not from telling a story from my past, not from talking about something emotional that I am dealing with, but healing took place in a healthy relationship between 2 people who work so very hard together. A repair was made out of a rupture and I was worth it - he was worth it - 6 years was worth it.
A big hug was held at the end, and it marked and stamp approved the one thing we stand by in our 6 years of therapy together and that is: "we can talk about anything and work through anything".
I am blessed for the opportunity to make something that was a rupture and repair it; something I never ever grew up knowing or experiencing.
Tomorrow I will show up and know that anything left over is welcomed and never shut out. Tomorrow I show up and reclaim the path I was on before all this detour happened, and I can't wait to see what's next.
Something big happened out of this past year .. something from my past surfaced that needs my love, care and attention, and that is what my focus is towards ... not something that has no understanding.
I would have to say this repair today was made out of steel, and a lot harder to break.
I am honored to work with such a great therapist who gives me the space I need even when there is rupture and THAT is healing - THAT is fighting the good fight.