For the first time in over a year I have finally allowed myself room to let go of something that has weighed me down emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have had moments in between that I "thought" I let go, or moments that I had some empowerment to move out and forward - but not like right now - this is different - so very different.
As I have shared and written many times on this blog, I was triggered severely in the past year by the actions of another person that sent me into a tailspin of emotions that brought the past screaming to the forefront.
The past being so present and right here, it sent me into isolation from the people and things that I love. Fear and confusion pushed me so far off my path to healing, that I was unsure I would move through it without giving up.
My therapist and I have worked diligently for months and months on trying to re-gain empowerment over what this past year has brought me; even when the situation continued and it kept pushing me further back into triggers that kept resurfacing the past over and over again.
Although the past couple of months have been a little easier and the support has been endless, there was still something big that was keeping me from moving forward, and that in itself has been frustrating and confusing.
What was holding me back from letting this go? What part of my past needed healing in order to see this as "someone else's stuff" and not mine. What was holding me back to the point that i couldn't move out of the stuck place I have been in? Why can't I re-engage back into life after what this past year has done to me?
And then it hit me . . . . .
I saw this quote and something inside just clicked, and that quote was
"Let go, or be dragged"
a small but very powerful quote!
I can either let it go and find empowerment, or I can let the actions of another drag me down and take away all the hard work I have done in the past 6 years.
When I saw the quote it reminded me of a moment when I was 8 years old.
My oldest brother David wanted to try something "funny" while I was outside roller skating on these very flimsy Strawberry Shortcake roller skates I got for my birthday.
He tied a rope to the back of his bike, and told me to hold onto the rope while he pulled me along with his bike. I thought it would be fun, and much did I know it would be the metaphor for the things happened and for the things to come in my life.
He took me around the neighborhood while I held on tight! He then took me down a steep hill and I lost control of my skates and I fell hard while still holding onto the rope. He dragged me for a good portion of the road before coming to a stop (while laughing at me).
I was bruised, and cut up - bleeding everywhere. A neighbor who saw the whole thing ran to my rescue and took care of all the cuts that were up my leg. I had road rash covering me from head to toe.
I was dragged along the ground while my brother laughed as he found humor in my pain - welcome to my life as a child.
The quote reminds me of just that - being dragged through a situation that is not mine to hold. Being dragged and letting someone else hold the wheel.
Thinking back now, I would have been less banged up and hurt had I let go of the rope the moment I fell - but for some reason I held on, and that was the metaphor for my whole childhood - being dragged through a childhood of abuse, pain, and neglect.
I didn't know how to let go, I only knew how to hold on because I thought I had to. Holding on was surviving, today I know different.
Today I have the choice to let go - and I am letting go.
I have the choice to either heal my past that is surfaced, or let this drag me over and over and over till I am covered in scars and wounds.
I am done letting this situation dictate my forwardness. I am done letting this past year have any more control over my thoughts.
There is no denying the pain that this past year has brought me. So much has surfaced from my past that is so painful and tender that it makes me want to run for the covers and just cry - but the choice I have is to let go of the rope and heal what is here.
One of the things that my therapist reminds me of all the time is "we can talk about anything, absolutely anything", and I have the choice to let go of the rope and use my words and my voice as my healing.
Let go of the rope and look at what is going on inside. Let go and face what this year surfaced and heal that - not heal the reasons of what dragged me.
I have this vision in my head right in this moment of a tug of war. When both sides are pulling and pulling and pulling for their own side, what happens when the other person lets go while the other continues to pull? they fall don't they? Well that is what I am doing. I am letting go and letting this whole past year fall on its face.
I will use this shift to face what is here, and heal what is not. I have that choice to let go, and not be dragged.
What I have also learned is this: Letting go doesn't take away the hurt I feel, or the pain I feel from the past that has surfaced in this past year. Letting go certainly doesn't right the wrong. Letting go doesn't sweep it under the rug - but what letting go does is - it gives me the room to heal the way I need to heal without being dragged along in the same abuse I have been in my whole life.
I can't heal and be dragged at the same time, and thats what has happened this whole year. Something has to give, and I choose to let it go, not find meaning to it, not find the answers, but to accept and find a way to heal ME rather than hold onto something that is not worth holding onto.
enough is enough being stuck in this ... and for the first time I really feel like I can finally let go of the rope and move towards healing me - I can tend to the wounds of which this past year created, and maybe allow others to help me up.
I don't know why this past year happened, I don't know why I had to endure it, I don't understand the actions of others. I don't understand a lot of things, but what I do know is what is in front of me, and that is a past that needs healing, care, love and understanding.
It feels good to let go finally once and for all.. I am free to heal!