6 years ago today - my journey to healing


Today I am celebrating 6 years of being on this journey to heal towards me and sharing this celebration with someone who has taught me so much about what life could possible be like on other side.

6 years ago I walked into therapy and met someone who would help me take a walk along a path that I never thought I could take.

6 years ago I decided to say yes to me, and no to the silence.

6 years ago I took a risk to enter into a painful process that had me wondering at times how I was able to move through it and continue - but I did.

6 years ago I was one person, and today I am another.

When I walked into therapy today my therapist and I talked a little about the 6 year journey this has been so far and one of the things he said to me that he wanted me to write in my blog so that I could see the self-worth in myself  and that was

"I am a better therapist, a better person, a better father, a better husband, a better child of god because of our work together, and because of you".

When he said that to me, I cried, I had tears. I don't understand how I (a person who is broken from my past) can make such a huge difference in someone else's life like that. He wanted me to share this on my blog because he wants me to see what I can't see; but eventually will be able to see.

These past 6 years on this journey has been the hardest work I have ever done; but also some of the most honoring work I have ever done.

A process that is hard, sad, confusing, and at times filled with anger, but also filled with joy, grace, and so much empowerment.

Like any other relationship out in the big world, there have been small ruptures and frustrations along the way between my therapist and I, but the one thing promised and the one thing we stand by is  "We can talk about anything", and we always do, no matter what! That is something I never had in my life; the ability to talk and be heard and to listen openly with no consequences.

This process of healing in the past 6 years has allowed me to get to know a huge part of myself that I never knew was there. I found parts of me hidden inside that laid dormant for so long, and a part of this process has been about waking up the true self inside of me, and getting to know myself.

Yes it's still a work in progress, but today I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, and because of that I am able to continue taking the walk forward trusting that something bigger and better is here underneath all that was covered since i was a child.

I went from sitting on the black leather chair by myself with one foot out the door in my therapy room, to being a part of the room allowing myself to sit with someone safe, and not wanting to run.

I have gone from silence to filling the room with my voice in truth.

I went from taking 2 steps back when someone wants to give me a hug, to taking 2 steps forward to embrace that.

I went from being only dependent on myself to learning how to accept support without the fear of being dependent.

I sit here tonight and I reflect on what the past 6 years and I am tearful, yet filled with Joy.

It has been a hard hard year for me in therapy, a year to not knowing if I could continue because of how hard it was - but what I have learned along the way is this: I AM WORTH every bit of the room I show up in. I am worth the place of healing. I am worth my voice to be heard, and I am worth the love and support that is here for me, not only from my therapist, but by those around me who walk by my side everyday along this process.

I have learned that sometimes in the hard - healing is happening even when It feels hopeless.

I wouldn't take back ONE day of the 6 years I have been going to therapy. I wouldn't take away one day that I sit with my therapist and learn, grow, and find the true me underneath all this pain I hold.

AND, I wouldn't trade my therapist in for anyone in this world! I am SO BLESSED to have a wonderful person who God sent me to help me heal. He is one of my favorite people, and I am looking forward to seeing where else this journey will take me going forward in the work.

Thank you Andy for a wonderful and empowering 6 years so far.. I look forward to what else we walk towards on this path that God has laid out for me.