4 years ago I went to the beach with my best friend Tracy to start the process of writing my book and had no idea that patience and time would be a lesson I had to learn. I was only 2 years into therapy at that time, and I was excited about taking this next step. I had told a lot of the story to my therapist, and opened up in many ways, and I thought "Hey, I think I am ready to write this book" - or so I thought.
I had incredible support moving forward into this, and thought this was the perfect set-up for starting this part of my chapter. My husband, my friends, my therapist were all by my side and hoping that this trip would bring me some soul searching and peace finding.
We got to the beach, relaxed, we ate, walked the beach, and then it came time for me to sit with my laptop and my thoughts and I went blank! completely blank!
I was frustrated, I was confused, I was angry, even a little tearful! I couldn't even come up with a name.
I called my therapist from the hotel room and I said "Andy, I don't understand, I was ready, I was excited, focused, taking time for me, and here I am, I am blank".
He was supportive and gave me a few ideas on opening up my mind a little more - and nothing worked!
My best friend Tracy who was there with me (also a license professional therapist) she even tried to help me move through the stuck place I was in - to no avail.
So much did I realize in that moment - I wasn't ready; not even close.
I came to realize that my journey was just beginning. My journey to healing was just beginning to take a solid path and I wasn't ready to sit with a book that would yet to have an ending, or filled with details in between I wasn't ready to fully be with.
I could start the book, I could dredge up the memories of the child sexual abuse I went through, but I wasn't even close to writing about it in a way to where I fully understood the story. I wasn't ready to heal along side of this book yet until I fulfilled something deep inside of me.
I had a road ahead of me; a path to take. I had more to the story that I needed to dig deep inside to find and be with.
I had emotions to honor and understand.
I had wisdom to learn, pain to fight, and parts to my childhood that were so far deep that writing a book couldn't even bring out from hiding.
Sitting there and realizing all this, I was disappointed and sad. I waited weeks for this moment for myself to get this amazing story started, and when the time came, I went blank - and rightfully so - I wasn't ready.
It's been 4 years since I took that beach trip to start the book, and through those 4 years many times my therapist and I would say "wow another chapter to my life unveiled tha I never knew about - and the chapters of the story are creating on its own through my healing.
Every time I got ready to make that start again, something else came up and took me away from book to heal, to move through.
Last year when my therapist introduced me to a good friend of his who is a writer, I started to lean towards the book again. I learned so much from his wisdom, and again I realized "I wasn't ready yet".
I had a tough year with a situation that took me off my path yet again - and I wasn't ready yet. Again I put the book aside, and continued to heal in therapy and find out why these moments were happening to where I had more to learn, more to honor, more pain to understand.
About a month ago someone came into my life who is a "writer" and has experience of 40 years teaching, writing, and editing and God willingly he is willing to take me on and help me write and edit my book.
God has a plan for everything in our lives, and this would be a huge part of my healing process.
Right now I am working hard in therapy on surfaced pain from my past that bled through in this past year of lessons and hardships, and you would think I wouldn't be ready yet to start the book - but I think right now is the PERFECT time to get this book started.
I am ready! I am finally ready to start writing the chapters I hid so deeply, all the while I continue to heal the other side in therapy.
Healing is writing the book, and writing the book is healing - I can do both.
The things that my therapist and I are working on fit right into giving myself more voice, more empowerment. It's the perfect time.
My therapist always says to me "your story is far from over" and although we are working hard on healing new parts of my past that are so tender and painful, I have to start the book somewhere; healing can happen through honoring both.
We plan to incorporate a huge part of my healing process into the book and my therapist is graciously willing to help me with some of that. I am excited and I am ready!
It's not going to be an over-night process, in fact I am sure there will be moments where I need to stop for a little while as I am working on hard things in therapy, but this is a part of the process - learning along the way.
So the process begins ... and the healing continues and I am excited and scared a the same time.
A big thank you to Steve Sawyer who is about to take me on this amazing adventure.. I am scared and excited - both feelings I realize are OKAY!