It's no surprise to many people when I say that I had a pretty hard year this past year; a year filled with unsureness and triggers that presented my past at the surface in ways that I wasn't sure how to heal. There were some moments I found empowerment over this year, but surprise after surprise, lies after lies, and triggers after triggers kept me in a place of unsureness; a place of sitting in the middle of the path unsure of how to move forward with a huge part of my past sitting right in front of me looking me straight in the eyes.
I was filled with fear and didn't know how to move forward.
This past week, something happened in a way of a shift. My therapist assured me of some things that really filled my soul with more hope; a reminder of my place in this healing and what the path ahead looks for me.
He assured me of how much he understand how hard this past year was for me, and even apologized for how hard this year was.
This was a great shift of assurance ....
I had tears because it's the first time in a long time I felt sure of something; like this year long battle was finally moving away from me, and making the the path more clear.
I have felt a little more free in the past couple of months, It's been a slow process, but a process I am trusting more each day.
The path is becoming more clear now, and instead of the road being foggy filled with unsureness, I know where I am going, and I can see all those around me clearer than I could before - and I have to say it's a great feeling.
Many good things are happening right now, and it's only making the road more sturdy to walk on, and I am up and walking and enjoying it a little more each day.
I sat with Father Paul my priest today who gave me so much insight as to what forgiveness looks like when I explained to him what happened to me in the past year and how painful it was being watched by someone who was triggering me and taking me out of my place of being.
My priest made me see that healing from that is praying for the person; forgiving this person. Forgiveness is not releasing this person of what they did to me, it's creating more room inside of me to move forward. He explained to me that when we hold onto anger when someone wrongs us, it only creates abuse to ourselves over and over, and how letting go of that anger is making my path more clear for me to move forward.
I will be the first to admit that forgiveness towards people I am angry with, or hurt by is not an easy task, but if I want to move forward on the path that is in front of me, with the people who love and support me, I have to put down the bag of anger I have been carrying for year and let it be held by the person who made me feel this way. It's not mine to hold.
When I left church I felt light and free. It felt amazing to walk without the heavy burden of being so angry at why this past year was so hard for me. I let go of trying to understand why anyone would want to trigger me and watch me. I let go of the lies this person held, and how this person didn't own up to the truth. IT's not mine to hold and tonight I am sitting with that and moving on.
Father Paul is right, it's not mine to hold, and my empowerment is taking the path clear for me that my support holds for me.
I got an offer as well from an "english professor" who wants to edit and help publish my book. Call it God's way of redirecting my focus to better things - I believe God has a hand in all things that come to us, we just have to open our eyes to see it.
The path is becoming clearer, and I am sure on this path there will hardness, but there will always be grace on the other side of the hardness, and if I Just let go of the things that weigh me down, I can move through anything that gets in my way.
From my therapist's words of wisdom, assurance and support to Father Paul giving me words from God. My husband, family and friends who never left my side even when the path was dark to the people who connect with me through my writing showing me I am never alone on this path that was sometimes hard to see.
Tonight for the first time in a long long time I feel free, and at the same time I also know, that even when the path is clear, there are times when days will be harder than others. I know healing is hard, but when I set my eyes forward, and don't lose focus, I can work through those tougher times.
I look forward to working on this new "inner healing" that we are working on; to heal the surfaced pain that this past year brought me.
Here's to the path ahead, whatever is here along the way.