late night thoughts

8afbbe731ea32172976c4652f4d70dd3It's 5am and I am still up and awake - haven't slept yet. Call it insomnia tonight, call it maybe a little anticipatory about going session this morning, in just a couple of hours.

Maybe it's being awake because right now I am feeling pretty good and I want to embrace it as long as I can as these good moments have been far and in between in the last month or so.

I am blessed with not having any sleep issues, and never really had trouble sleeping in my adulthood. So when I have these moments of "awake", I like to look at it as "inside energy" - so I decided to use this to write.

I think a big reason why I am still up and awake is because of the intense but good session I had yesterday. There was some movement  and I had big emotions, and maybe a part of me is a little vulnerable and still open and raw to those emotions I had.

There is some anticipating how walking into session this morning will be like. Will big emotions show up again? will the work be as hard, or harder? will I have more movement  or will I walk in and the weight (silence) show up?

Maybe I am awake because movement has happened inside and I am feeling a little room for some open time for myself and not wanting to isolate to the usual routine I have been going through in the past 2 months.

Maybe there is a small part of me that is awake for my husband as he is nervous doing a huge presentation over video to china in the morning and it's a pretty big deal for him.

.... or maybe it has something to do with my teen boys being up and they are a little loud because it's spring break and they are teen boys (no explanation needed there), although they can be loud, there is no better sound than happy boys enjoying their spring break.

Maybe it's all of the above.

My therapist and I are working on something pretty big in therapy that I look forward to sharing with you all when the time is right, and I am almost willing to bet that my lack of sleep tonight is the many thoughts running through my mind having already taken a step towards something big yesterday.

I feel a little raw and vulnerable to my emotions yesterday, but at least it was movement towards something and that is good.

So as I sit here and write late in the night or shall I say early in the morning.... I will pay attention to this little moment of energy I have right now, and I will embrace it as something important; something to pay attention to.

I love that I decided to write in my blog at this time - another thing I wouldn't normally do at 5am.

I am sure I will be dog tired in a couple of hours.... so I will try to shut my eyes for a few hours, and later on after all my appointments of the day are over, I will care for myself and take a nap  to get some rest while I can, and pay attention to what is here right in the moment.

I have to say, it's been a long time since I have pulled an almost all-nighter" (not as easy as it was a long time ago).

I am sure my thoughts on this in a couple of hours from now may be much different, and I may even cuss saying "what was I thinking?" .. but I will just open my blog and read what I wrote and say "ahh ok, it was so worth it" .. "this was different, this was connecting, and being awake in this energy is something to pay attention to.

until then . . . . rest calls me