I love this photo on the left. It's filled with hope, its bright, it's inviting, and yet you have no idea what is on the other side of what the eyes can't see. Reminds me so much of my healing path; the path I move through everyday taking corners I am not sure of; but trusting the process along the way.
Right now I am at a place to where I know something good is beyond what I can't see, but I can't get there yet and I don't know why. I know it's there, I just can't get there because something is holding me back.
I hate this place I am in, because I feel something, I know something big is going on inside of me - but yet I can't reach it. Something is stopping me and I don't know what it is and I am frustrated.
In the 6 years of being in therapy, there have been many times I have come to a place to where I stop at the hard places of my healing, sit down, and observe before getting back up and walking forward again, and that is where I am at right now, but for some reason, it's harder this time - much harder!
This past weekend I got up and took a few steps, and then I sat back down and it's frustrating because I dont understand what I need, or what I need to learn to go forward.
My therapist told me yesterday "we need to get you up and out of this place of sitting and hardness", but at the same time he wants to be gentle to what is here that has surfaced from my past.
It's just as important to honor what is here (keeping me held back), than it is to get me up and move me forward out of it.
It's a catch 22 - a blessing and a curse kind of situation. I can't get up and move because something is here, but yet if I don't honor what is here, I can't get up and move forward from the sitting place.
I look at the sign in this photo and it says 35mph and I feel I am going 10 when I want to be going 90 and embracing the sunlight to see whats on the other side.
One of the things I do know that has yet to fail me and that is "trusting the process". Trust in knowing that there is something big on the other side of something I can't see yet.
I know there is healing in this "non-understanding" place I am in right now.
I know I will get up from the sitting and walk towards another great part of my path.
I saw a quote from a book I was reading from a past bible study I attended and that was:
"What God Reveals, He intends to Heal"
and what I know about God is "it's in his time he will give us what we need, not in our time".
There is a reason for the process of what I am feeling and going through right now, and I have to trust that by continuing to work with what is here, I will get to the other side of this.
I am stubborn. I am the type of person that says "whats next?" when I finish one task; always wanting to get working on the next not taking in what I already finished.
Maybe right now it's about allowing myself to sit, and allow what is here to be here. maybe the answer to getting to the other side is honoring what is here right now and not thinking about what is over there and just trust the process.
Maybe I need to sit and just face what is keeping me down, like facing the fear, facing the hard and letting it be okay it's here.
I have session in a couple of hours, and I think I am going to go into session today not piercing my eyes on what I can't see, but rather what I can see right in front of me.
I think sometimes we want so much to feel better RIGHT NOW that we don't want to honor what will make it better. I know I do that all the time, I want to push and push and heal and heal .. but I never allow myself to slow down and just accept that maybe sitting is where God wants me to be, and maybe this is where the healing is found.
So I will go into session today and I will sit.. maybe I will sit on the floor and tell my therapist to join me and say "this is where I am, lets look at what is here instead of me using all this energy to move past the sunlight and road I can't see"..... and yes trust me, my therapist will get on the floor and sit with me.. I may have to help him up because he's getting old, but he will join me.. as will all my other support who will gladly sit with me if I ask them to.
I will trust the process and know, the road is not going anywhere, the sun is still there, I am loved, supported and care for even when sitting - and something big is on other side - soon, just not yet.