I saw this quote the other day and I haven't stopped thinking about it since! It's by singer and song writer Nina Simone: “What kept me sane was knowing that things would change, and it was just a question of keeping myself together until they did." - Nina Simone
I shared this quote with my therapist before the weekend, and it even stopped him in his tracks as he got silent and then said "Wow!" .. yes I agree "WOW".
I live and breathe this quote everyday. When things are tough - hold on - because something will change; something will be different, and if it doesn't change, I have the choice to make it change - be the change.
This weekend I felt a small shift, a small change, a little empowerment. I spent some time this weekend reading, taking time to understand things a little more, and in that, I felt a shift - not a huge shift, but enough to feel something different.
My life has always been about "waiting for a change to happen" to move to the next step, to the next step, to the next step to get through what I was going through.
Fighting forward, moving forward, or sometimes sitting in the middle of it just waiting for that change to happen in the hard.
I have learned so much in the past 6 years on this healing path that - when things are hard, just wait .. it will change - When feelings are hard, just hold on, something will turn around that will provide understand or a lesson to move forward.
It's incredibly hard to stand still and wait for change when it feels so painful or hard. You wonder to yourself "is this ever going to end?" - and the answer is yes.. it does, and it does get better.
This past year going through all that I went through, I found myself many times just waiting and waiting for something to change to move me out of the awkward situation that was put upon me.
Sitting here tonight I can say "things are changing for me - a good change".
Maybe it's slow, maybe it's small - but I know if I keep walking towards the change, it will keep moving me in the right direction, and if it stops or gets hard again, I know it can shift, and I can move with it and know I am okay.
I took small steps this weekend. I went to the gym (very briefly) and worked out! I am pretty proud of myself, and as I suspected the endorphins running through my body left me with this "why the hell did I ever walk away from this, this is AWESOME!!!".
I patiently read a whole book this weekend (Daring Greatly by Brene' Brown) .. which is big for me because I can never sit long enough to do anything without wanting to get up and be busy.
I sat and watched some documentaries and took notes, and thrived in the wisdom I gained by just being still and giving myself some time for me this weekend.
I did some private writing (for myself).
I cooked a new dish this weekend and pleasantly surprised my whole family as I am not one trying or cooking new foods; I usually stick to the same ole' same ole' food makings - but I made a change and everyone enjoyed it (even had seconds and thirds)
I wrote my connecting Sunday email that my therapist and I always exchange every Sunday night, and I shared with him some pretty big things that I feel great about. I was open, and vulnerable, and he responded back with openness, care and support.
I know sometimes change is small, change is slow, change is unpredictable, but I believe like Nina Simone says, you just have to keep yourself together in the hard knowing change will happen.
I also know that change for the bad can happen as well, but I also have learned that when you embrace the hard, your stronger through the hard.
One of my favorite favorite quotes on change is:
"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."
Change always happens in the struggle, you just have to hold on and wait for the change to happen, and sometimes you have to be the one to change if something doesn't.
I am looking forward to the week ahead .. no expectations, but I am curious as to where this small shift will take me . But whatever that is good or bad, I am open and here.