Ironically, when I left session today and was driving home, I got a phone call that came in, and oddly enough I answered it not knowing who it was. Low and behold (God Willing) it was one of my old personal trainers Brian. We talked on the phone for a little bit, and I was truthful with him, just as I was in the my blog writing "Truth be Told" .. I told him I have been out of the body building and weight training for a year or so, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to come back.
After talking for a little while, he convinced me to come in and do one training session with him tomorrow just to put my foot in the water, just to get a taste of my old love for the gym - and I ACCEPTED!
I truly believe that God works in mysterious ways! I have not heard from him in months and months.. why would this phone call come on the heels of a huge step forward in admitting to my struggle, and sharing that and being with that and accepting my struggle as OK? I love those little gifts from God that show up and fall into place.
So, When I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath and said, OK, that was the next step - accepting. The hardest step will actually be the strength going forward in showing up in that gym again; the same gym where I worked out 3-4 hours a night with all the trainers and pretty much owned the gym. The same gym where my confidence was sky-high and I felt good about the place I was in physically.
I bought some new gym clothes tonight; some new running pants and work out jacket and of course I have my new sneakers... I am ready to go physically, but we will see how ready I am emotionally tomorrow.
I was reminded today that "I dont have to have it all figured out to move forward" .. I can heal along the way no matter how hard it is taking those steps. I dont have to have what has surfaced from this hardness figured out to make one small step - I can do both.
I have to admit, I am the type of person that once I get that first step forward in the gym - feeling those weights, I almost start running forward with excitement and go crazy at 100mph wanting to soak it all in at once!
- but what I have learned in the many years from my therapist in a gentle way is how to "slow down, and embrace each moment both hard and good" Because that is where the healing is. If I run past something (hard or good), I won't experience it the way I should, in a healing way to understand it.
My hope is that I share with my therapist tomorrow that I took this huge step forward in the gym with my trainer. I hope I can celebrate that I took that step forward after a year of isolating from it. I didn't tell him about the phone call yet, and it will be a really good moment.
I honestly cannot wait till I can confidently and emotionally get fully back into the gym. The gym was a huge part of my life for years! I was getting ready to compete in weight lifting competition before I hurt my knee, and before this past hard year happened.. but right now, my focus is the step forward, and a step forward into becoming healthy again too.
This past year my eating has been scarce, and being a personal wellness coach for many years, I know how bad it is to NOT eat and skip meals, because not eating enough is just as bad as over-eating. I have been skipping meals and living off caffeine for the past year, and I need to get myself back to healthy clean eating and physically taking that step forward.
So tomorrow, I am taking another step forward. I will focus, I will breathe, I will know I am supported and connected, and I know that no matter what, it's still one foot in front of the other - going forward physically and emotionally.
There is this quote I saw on a photo yesterday and I love love love it .. it says
The first step to living the life you want, is leaving the life you don't want. Taking the first step forward is always the hardest. But then each step forward gets easier and easier. And each step forward gets you closer and closer, until eventually what had once been invisible starts to be visible. And what had once felt impossible, starts to feel possible - Karen Salmansohn