When you write about something so significant, you are almost numb to the fact that you have no idea where to go next in that "significance". Today I have finally re-engaged, not so much re-engaged in the direction that I wanted to go, but I have re-engaged in the goodness of this significance.
Sunday as you all know, I posted the blog entry "Shedding the Shame". I did not realize how much that blog had significance on me and my healing until yesterday, when I went into session, and we both sat there and read my blog (shedding the shame), and I read it out loud into the room where shame usually finds me most when talking about my past.
I had read that entry 10 times since posting it, but yesterday reading it out-loud, I felt as if I was reading it for the first time. It was a moment where time stood still, it was that significant. moments where I couldn't find any words, I think I kept saying to myself inside "I really did shed the shame" "I really AM going towards me".
When I read it outloud into the room, I had these huge range of emotions that came over me. I had feelings of sadness, feeling numb, excitement, celebration, anger, frustration. I had feelings of confusion, tears in my eyes, and some relief, but all these feelings sat in my throat with no escape to let them out, I was numb!
Today going back to session, I came to realize what happened, and why I was numb. I was facing truth; truth that not only am I no longer holding that shame, but also in realizing that letting go of that shame meant facing the feelings of what this shame covered up for me my whole life.
Today, I took my timeline book out, held onto it, opened it, ran my hand along the pages, looked at the photo inside of my Nana, had tears, looked at the pages I wrote so far, shut the book and said "not today".
I knew in that moment not to rush; to be patient, and that facing the truth of my blog entry I read yesterday was something that I needed to honor. I needed to honor what it felt like to be in that truth.
Shedding the shame is also opening yourself up to feel. When you let go of that shame, you finally realize that you have true emotions about what was done to you. You finally realize that the mask is finally taken off to the people who hurt you, and you realize just how horrible they were.
Think of it this way - If you did something wrong, you feel badly about it don't you? You have this feeling that justifies why you feel badly inside for what you have done wrong. Well, What happens when you realize that it wasn't your fault; that you suffered all those inner demons and feelings of no self worth, and hate inside for yourself, all for nothing by realizing it WAS NOT your fault?
The blessing in this, is that I truly hold no more shame. The curse? I feel and I face truth of what was behind the shame. If it wasn't my fault, how could these people hurt a young beautiful little child for 9 years, and neglected me as a teen and adult? That is the truth I face, and that is hard truth, but truth that is needed in this healing.
I think of the shame as a layer of skin, if you peel off your own skin, it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt like nothing you have ever felt before, but there is a healing process to that as well. You will find comfort and support to help you heal through it, and it will grown back, maybe even tougher than before.
No I dind't work on my timeline yesterday or today, but tomorrow may be the day that "facing truth" opens the book to the timeline back up, in a whole different way - facing truth, with no shame!