My therapist gave me this "prescription" today, and said "go get it filled, unlimited" ... it says "Take one a day as needed - "I am a good person, love by God, Friends, Family and Support". He tried to make the symbol on the top a RX but it turned out to be P* which I found out later on from my sister means "CHRIST". how ironic is that? I guess God does show up in unexpected ways; ways that we are meant to see him.
Last night's blog post was hard; even harder to keep the post up. The moment I woke this morning it was that sick in the stomach feeling like "oh... what did I do?" .. but then I said to myself "NO I am going to keep that truthful post up, I am going to go about my day, and continue to be with the okay-ness in the struggle.
Taking that one big step last night, will lead to another step, and that step will lead to another step forward. One foot in front of the other and keeping in mind just what the prescription says - accepting goodness.
Last year I became addicted to pain pills when I was prescribed them for a knee blow out from working out and weight lifting, and I never thought in a million years that I would ever become addicted to anything like that. I never drank, never smoked, never did any of those things, so to become addicted to something in such a huge way was scary!
I turned to those pills when I needed to numb out; to escape my mind from the hardness of what was going on. I needed an escape from the situation going on, and being feared for being who I was and what I had, and the past that surfaced because of that.
I didn't know what to do BUT to turn to the pain pills, and before I knew it, it turned on me.
What was once something that provided me with a release; turned into something that was needed not wanted.
One became two, two became three, and before I knew it, I was heading down a path that could have been devastating on so many levels.
I sought out the help needed, and my heart Dr admitted me into the hospital to safely get me off the pain meds ... it was hell, but I needed to do it before it completely took me into a place where there is no moving forward, its a life of standing still.
It took a good month to detoxed from the pain meds and moved out of that horrible cycle of wanting relief, and I found relief in other ways - like continuing to show up to therapy and working hard in my healing, staying connected to the few people I really am close to instead of turning to the pills.
I kept writing even though writing was the "reason" this whole year had happened. I fought for my voice and continued to move forward, even in the hard struggle.
I am coming up on a year clean from those horrible pills, and I have to say, no matter how hard the struggle is right now, it's not worth it.
What is worth it is the prescription of goodness my therapist gave me today on a little piece of paper, with a loving and caring reminder - "You are a good person, Loved by God, Friends, Family and Support". No pill can do that, it may try, and it sure acts like it can, but in real, it's the enemy.
I can't say I haven't thought about it in this hard struggle I have been in (especially the past couple months), but when I am feeling that "urge" for numbness or relief, that is when I reach out to support, and write, and find relief through God and self prayer.
I do feel my post last night opened up a huge step for me, and what I have always learned is - once a step is made, others follow ahead.
Steady perseverance is taking small steps to get to your achievement and toward which effort is directed. As long as you make movement forwards, that's what matter most
So I will take this prescription of goodness my therapist gave me, embrace it, use it, read it, and believe one out of 10 times the goodness it holds. This is what I can do in this moment, in this step; even if it's still in the struggle, it's still a step forward.