I had big anger in session yesterday! I didn't plan it, I didn't really see it coming, but then again anger has been at the surface for a while now; it was just a matter of time before it found it's way out to be heard, seen and felt.
When I think of anger I think about holding onto a rope with a beast of some kind at the other end pulling and dragging me and not being able to get control of the rope.
Anger is something I struggle with. I avoid it, swallow it, and find every way possible to move away from it. Anger is a hard emotion for me to feel, accept or even talk about.
I am angry, and I have a right to be.
I woke up yesterday morning and thought about this past year and how hard it was for me, and the moment I allowed myself to go to that place of anger thinking about the past year, my ears got hot, my insides were flushed, and I began to talk words inside my head - and well, lets just say it wasn't very nice or christian like.
I have spoken often about what I have been through in the past year. Yes I have found ways of letting go, I have found ways of moving away from it, and towards myself and this wonderful path I have in front of me - but I have never allowed myself to really feel and be with anger about it.
A part of me feels that if I feel or talk about the anger it means I am not letting it go; that I am allowing myself to be stuck - but somehow yesterday I felt maybe that wasn't the case, maybe feeling the anger and talking about it gives me more movement going forward. Maybe allowing myself to write about anger in my blog helps to give an outlet to the anger. Maybe speaking about the anger gives me more empowerment and not dis-empowerment.
I am angry! I am angry because I have gone through a hard year that was totally unfair and inexplicable unnecessary.
I am angry because in this past year of hardness it caused me to go so far off my path that it was incredibly hard to find that path back.
I am angry because simply "this did not need to happen". I was a woman going about my healing, working hard, minding my own business and someone came and ripped that from under-neath me - no reason - not even a good excuse.
I am angry that just because I am who I am, and have what I have, I was punished by triggers and feelings of fear by someone else's insecurities put on me - which baffles me because, I dont know who in the hell would want my life. Live a day of my life in 2 O'Clock and I guarantee you will be scratching your way out begging for yourself and your own life back.
I am angry that I am still working through the many things that this caused to surface from my past through the triggers and fears.
I am angry that a year of my healing was derailed and had to crawl, kick, cry and suffer to find my way back up.
What I have come to recently accept is - just because the situaiton has stopped, doesn't mean I can't or don't have big feelings about it.
Years ago I would have swallowed it and let it go, but today I am (very very slowly) learning, these are my feelings, and I have the right to feel them with no guilt or shame.
My support reminds me everyday "You have a right to feel the way you feel", and somewhere inside I know that - but I struggle a little with it because I have always been the person of reason. I have always been the type of person that doesn't allow myself to stay in that place for the sake of feeling the anger or emotions around it.
As a child, I learned whatever emotion I was feeling, "you get RID of it and get rid of it NOW!! Stand straight, sit up and suck it up! smile and move on.
Yesterday in session I showed anger, and felt anger.
My therapist wasn't afraid of my anger, he wasn't scared or judged me, in fact he helped me get to some of that deep anger yesterday. He walked along side of me in the anger, even held the pillow as I wrestled with the anger and allowed me to be with no judgement. He gave me safety in my anger; reminding me that what I feel is right and true.
But what I also know is this:
I know that I will never have the answers to why this past year happened or why I went through what I went through.
I dont have the meaning or reason behind the crazy making behind it. There is no making sense of something that doesn't make sense.
What I do know is what I can do about it, and I am doing just that.
I am moving on towards me and the path my support has laid out in front of me with open arms.
I have a soft place to land that is safe and surrounded by connection and support.
What I do know is, I am on the other side of this; working towards me and only me by not trying to find answers in something that will never have a justifiable answer.
I know that somewhere God has put a message in this hard year that needs gentle attention, healing, and knowing.
I am relieved that this situation has come to an end and that I can breathe a little better knowing I can finally move forward from this.
I know there is continued work around what has been surfaced because of this, but I also know I have support in that.
A year ago at this time I was the in the middle of what was going to be a hard long year, and today I have the choice to move out of it, and I have, and I did.
The empowerment in this is - what I know is a lot more vs. what I dont know.
one of my favorite quotes is this :
"Time Heals what Reason Cannot" - Roman Philosopher Seneca
There is so much truth in that statement, and a part of that time is allowing myself the anger and sadness that this past year brought me.
You know, maybe some people can wash their hands of it and move on for the sake of moving on - but I choose to move on and allow myself to feel as I should, because feeling is a part of that movement forward.
I spent a lifetime "moving on for the sake of moving on" not being able to own one bit of my emotions, and that led me to endless pain and suffering - and even isolation as a child .. I won't do that to myself today.
So it doesn't mean I haven't moved on, it simply means I am moving forward - towards me - something worth way more than what the year has brought onto me.