setting me free

SONY DSCI have been holding onto something big inside for a couple of days; something that has been bothering me deep inside and today I decided that it was better to let it free from inside of me, than to hold onto it and let it eat me up and tear me down. I haven’t been feeling well the past couple of days. My heart has been acting up again, I have been tired and lethargic and weak, and I can’t figure out what in the world is going on, and then I realized “I am holding onto something” and when I hold onto something inside like fear, sadness or anger, its like a poison inside of me that eats away at my internal organs and I feel physically drained.

I have a heart condition, and when I have a lot of stress going on inside, or when I am holding onto things inside that bother me, I feel it physically. I will get boat-loads of palpitations. My heart will race just standing up from a sitting position, I feel tired and lethargic. I have meds for this, but sometimes not even medicine can make it better, it's all about relieving what it is inside of me - getting rid of the cause, not covering it.

Today I decided that I was going to talk to my therapist about it; about what it is that has been bothering me the past couple of days – and I did, and I feel so much better inside!

The vision I had driving home from my session today was opening up a cage of birds and letting them fly free – the birds being what it is I was holding inside of me, and the cage being the belief that I have to hold it in and hold it by myself.

The moment I opened up about what it is that is bothering me inside, my shoulders dropped away from ears, my stomach let go of the tightness, and I could breathe a little. My heart felt some relief, and I began to feel softer. I felt a warm smile come over my body like I gave it the biggest relief.

My therapist was understanding about my concerns, my fears and what it was that was bothering me. We talked about what it was, and then we talked about what it is we can do to help me along in these feelings and fears.

I think back to my childhood and I can’t even fathom how I held onto the things I held onto. I am not just talking days, but years and years and years of abuse I held inside of me.

I honestly don’t know how I did it back then, because today, as the adult I am now, I suffer in the small things I have to hold at times – never mind months or years.

I don’t know why I held onto this for so many days, because deep inside I always know that my support, (especially my therapist), will truly understand and embrace whatever it is I am holding and need to talk about.

Today I knew deep inside that if I opened up about what is going on internally and what is bothering me, I would have help and support through it – but yet for the past 4 days, something kept it inside of me, and I am so glad today I decided to let it free and let it be known and heard.

I believe the process of healing has helped me to learn that what we hold in is toxic and what we let out is free – that and my power of ability to hold things in without people knowing I am holding things in has become useless (laugh).

There is this funny quote out there that says “I used to have superpowers but then my therapist took them away” lol .. I laugh but it’s true. Holding in things is not as easy as it once was when I was child or a teen.  I don’t have the tools to build walls anymore, I have learned to step over the wall and takes risks through my voice so that I don’t have to hold onto it anymore.

So I talked it about it, I was heard with gentle ears and a hand to hold and my heart feels lighter. I shared what it was that was bothering me and how I feel and I now feel I am not alone in this. We have a plan, we have an action, I have support and whatever it was that was eating me up inside doesn’t have as much power now.

My hope is that the remaining of the day I will continue to feel the goodness from this, and physically I will start to feel a little better.

I know that I am surrounded by love, support, care, and connection. Nothing can beat that – not even what it was that I was holding in.