When I walked into therapy almost 6 years ago, never did I think it would be years and years of work and that I would be in this place 6 years later. I thought I would walk into this mystery place of healing, talk about my story, find out what was wrong with me, find a way to heal and away I go into the world where I came from - with just a little less walls and pain.
Here I am, 6 years later and I am discovering more and more about how deep my wounds were or still are. I am still breaking down walls I never knew I had. I had walls around walls and I didn't even realize how thick they were, or how much pain was behind them.
When I began therapy I was SO afraid I would become dependent of the process and in the process. I was frantic of becoming dependent on my therapist or the process of therapy. I grew up taking care of me, and I was too afraid to allow someone else into my little safe world.
I remember a couple of weeks into therapy and saying to my therapist "the day I become dependent on you is the day I will never show up again". We laugh about that all the time. I remember my therapist standing there with this smile on his face, and then the smile going away when he realized I wasn't joking; I was truly fearful of becoming dependent.
"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are." - Rachel Naomi Remen
As I sit here coming up on the 6th year anniversary of walking into my place of healing - I am proud of the process I have taken. I am proud that I am still here and allowing myself to accept this process of healing. I am proud that I show up many times a week because that is honoring me.
This is not about showing up for my therapist, for my husband, for my friends, or even for God, this is for me and the chance to go give myself life; the life I never had in being able to open up my wounds and let them be seen to heal.
I work hard in healing. My therapist and I work very hard together, and there is no longer that shame that covers me.
I have come to a place that I believe I deserve this. I suffered so much pain as a child, and this is my time to heal - no matter how long the process, no matter how many times I walk into therapy a week, no matter how many times I connect with my support, no matter how many emails I may write to those I reach out to - a part of me finally feels that I deserve it, and it took me a long time to say those words, or to accept it inside.
I dont depend on the process, it depends on me! it needs me to be there in order to heal, and I am here.
I dont think about when therapy will end, I don't think about the healing process time frame. I don't think about those things at all - I think about taking a step each day and what that step looks like.
I have never quit once, or walked away from this wonderful gift God has given me. Have I been challenged? heck yes! Have I wanted to quit at times because of how hard it was, well maybe once or twice.. but I am no quitter and I will continue to walk this path that was given to me.
Whether I am in therapy for another 6 years, or 2 years or 1 year - it's a process of time and healing and I will take that time for me, and only God knows when I am ready, and when I am ready, he will lead me to the path he has set out for me - but right now this is my path and I am walking it.
During this process of healing I am also taking steps in the big ole world along side of it. I don't only live to heal, I heal to live. I am out in the big world using what I work hard through in therapy and apply it to every little step I take each day.
This past year has been incredibly hard on me, and the healing process has been derailed from time to time; taking me off the path I was on - but in that hard process of this past year came many walls that I never knew I had. I may have been derailed, but I have always been on the path to healing.
So as I sit here today writing, thinking of my soon 6 year milestone in my healing process, I am smiling! I am so proud to be on this journey of healing. I am so lucky to have a wonderful place that feels safe again. I am so lucky to have a great therapist who taught me so much about not seeing connection, love and support as a dependency - but rather something I deserved for me.
How much time it takes isn't the question - it's about what I am learning along the way and accepting that "this is my time to heal, it's my time to live".
So the next time your wondering "how long will this healing take?".. don't think about "when" think about "what you are doing for yourself", and let the healing continue.