I woke up this morning feeling that pit in my stomach like something wasn't right. It was that deep sense like something was hurting inside but you dont know what or why.
That feeling like your nerves are all exposed and the smallest little thing hurts, but you can't make sense of it.
It was quite the opposite of my wonderful "all nighter" I spent the night before, and maybe lack of sleep had a play in my emotions at the surface this morning.
It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I know there is something huge behind it. It was a feeling of sadness that I dont even have words for; a sadness that even makes the skin hurt.
I got up and got ready for my therapy session, and even that took so much energy to do seeing I was so tired when I woke.
Today was my longer session.. Its a session to where we really focus hard on the bigger things to where there is more time - however today, my emotions had other plans; a plan to be silent and just throw itself up.
I walked into my therapy room and I felt the silence over-come me, and the emotions flooded up through my heart, rushed through my bones, into my throat, and up to my eyes until there was a pool of tears just sitting there waiting to emerge. I did everything to hold them back, but this time, the emotions won!
I cried, and cried, and cried and cried. I had no words, just tears! I had no understanding of why this was showing up when I had such a good day yesterday filled with goodness. The pain felt so deep; something I haven't felt in a while.
Nothing would come out in words; only through tears and emotions.
My therapist was gentle and caring, supported me, held my hand and let the waves of emotions come and go. We talked in between, but the words were still silent.
My therapist then said to me something that made sense, he said "this is almost like a 24 hour emotional stomach bug" it comes in waves, you need to throw it up, it needs to come out, you feel good for a moment, and then the tears and emotions come again. It sure felt that way, and today It was hard.
He reminded me that this has been a hard year of holding in so many emotions and today they showed up, and they wanted out! The toxins were too much to hold in anymore, and they found a way out from the moment I woke this morning.
I have come to realize today that now that there is possible closure to what this whole year has brought me, maybe this is my body's way of taking care of itself by letting out the toxins I held inside.
I have held in so much in the past months that today the therapy room was there to hold my emotions.
I looked down at my hands while crying and saw the tears running down to my hands, and for a moment I took a breath and I thought to myself "is this what healing looks like in a form?" "are these tears the bad stuff I hold in?".
Through the whole session I sat and cried, stood and cried, cried on a shoulder, cried into my hands, cried into tissues after tissues, and I thought they were never going to end - but they did, they did stopped and now I am exhausted.
I imagine this is what my body needed. This is what was needed to find it's way out of me - I just had to find s way to accept it an let it be there.
Normally I would go home and sit with these tears by myself. I did that as a child in the closet, did it as a teen, even as an adult with kids I escaped into a closet and shed my tears alone - today I wasn't alone, and I think for the first time I accepted it was ok to have someone by my side and see the emotions.
There was a reason today happened, and whatever that reasons is, I am sure there is something big behind it - and I can't wait to find out what that is, or maybe it's already showing up in the way that I have more room to breathe - maybe it's in the courage to write about my tears right now, in this blog.
I thought back to yesterday and how good things felt when I pulled my "all nighter" and how much "goodness" surrounded me - but the tears today didn't feel like a "set back" from yesterday, it felt like a "continuing" going from goodness to sadness, and maybe the sadness was supposed to follow the goodness, and maybe goodness will follow the sadness.
Maybe there is a place to where goodness needs to continue through honoring sadness and tears. Maybe that is what happened today, and maybe that is what I need going forward.
As I sit here and write, I feel okay, and content. I have these small waves of weepy-ness in my eyes, but I know I am OK. I know I am loved, cared for and supported, and most of al I know I am healing.
I know that I can turn to ANY of my support if the tears continue to flow tonight.. I can reach out to my therapist and hear his wisdom filled comfort. I can reach out to Tracy and Stacy, and my wonderful husband Tim (who is on business right now) but still there for me. I can hug and kiss my boys and tell them how much I love them because loving them makes my heart smile.
Yesterday was a good day in feeling goodness around me - today was a harder day, and maybe tomorrow will be great, or maybe I will be sad again .. whatever the day brings, I will find a way to honor it, because I believe that is where the true healing is.