I haven't slept yet - I have been up all night. It's been a long time since I have pulled an all-nighter and I have to say for the first time in a long time - I enjoyed it! I exchanged emails with my support, I wrote a little in my journal, I did some reading, I organized and worked on some things I have been wanting to work on.
For the first time in a long time I wasn't up all night because I couldn't sleep due to stress or sadness, I was up all night because I wanted to embrace the goodness I was feeling inside, and didn't want to sleep it off.
My therapist sent me an email last night and it felt inviting and supportive. He made me feel like hope and connection was all around me; that maybe the end of this hard year was near, and he gave me so much goodness to ponder on.
What is this feeling? Is this the feeling of peace, of hope and grace? Is this the feeling of an ending to a hard year and maybe just maybe I can breathe a little knowing that things could fall back into place?
Then there is the side of me that holds the old stuff inside of me that is waiting for the ball to drop! I am waiting for the joke to be told "Ha Ha you actually thought you would have a night to where you felt good, think again Karen, it wont last". You know, the old me is waiting for the "but", "well" , "hold on .. wait a minute, not so fast".
Pessimistic? No! - Realistic to the theme of things this past year? Yes! I am far from letting my guard down, but I am not closing the door on the goodness completely, I believe letting a little light in is where the healing begins.
It felt like an old familiar empowering feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. I wanted to do a million things and only had room for one thing at a time. I felt open to invite whatever it was inside that was trying to come in.
I found myself enjoying being online and gathering great quotes and photos for my blog writing. I had my favorite TV show "Friends" running in the background and found myself chuckling along while I wrote some ideas down for some projects I am working on.
I looked at the clock and saw 4am and thought "Nathan gets up in just 3 hours, why not stick it out, I am not even close to tired".
Here I am 9am, and I am still awake - maybe getting a little tired, but it was worth it.
I texted my therapist this morning and asked him if I could change my 10am session to a later time so I could rest. He texted me back giving me a later time and I was grateful. I never change my session times - how different and good was that?
What is this feeling? Whatever it is I like it.. and if it doesn't last long, at least I know I had it once, and I Will have these moments again. If tomorrow is hard, I will embrace this good, and I will look back on this post and realize that these are the very moments to hold onto; these are the moments we can have again - even when at times it seems impossible.
What is this feeling? I think it's a feeling of goodness and grace with a little bit of hope.