Sometimes when we feel so hurt and betrayed, we want more than anything to make the wrong right. When we are wronged by another person, the first reaction is to "defend" or to say "wait a minute, thats not right".
For me, it's a big deal to stand up and stand my ground. I have lived a life of taking the lower step to the people who were wrong and hurting me.
For me It was easier being on the bottom. It was hard to rise above in the fear that if I stood up for myself, I would be hurt more, so I stayed where they put me - at the bottom where settling and enduring was easier, safer.
This past year with all that I have gone through, it was incredibly hard to stand my ground. It wasn't easy telling someone how I felt, and how it was effecting me. It wasn't easy taking that step up because in order to take a step up, it required "self worth" and "self love" without feeling "selfish".
Taking a step up to someone hurting me was like saying "I am worthy of not being hurt". Yeah try relearning that old message in reverse, it's like walking in the opposite direction of a whirlpool that has been going in the same direction for years.
I have stood my ground to what has happened in the past year and unfortunately denial has reared it's ugly head.
The hope in coming forward and telling someone how I felt and there being this resolution followed by an apology, or even an admittance; but instead a disappointing denial and a painful lash back of "I didn't do anything", when you know the truth right in front of you - it hurt!
You can't force someone to accept what they have done, you can't make someone be with the truth, and you certainly can't force someone to apologize or be honest with you - its an inside job and I have to accept that.
I have to accept that whatever hurt was brought onto me since last year when this all started, may have some kind of message behind it. Maybe there is something to be found, something to be cared for. Maybe I can take this hurt and finish peeling off the wound so I can find a way to heal it with love and care.
What I can accept are the people in front of me who truly believe in me. What I can accept is the truth I know and what others know; most importantly what God knows.
My whole life I never stood up to anyone who hurt me. In school I was bullied because my clothes were ugly and old, and I was considered weird because I was quiet.
As a teen I wasn't accepted because I was withdrawn, shy and reserved because of the abuse I went through; so I let people walk on me because it was easier than proving my worth; a worth I didn't see.
Even as a young adult, everyone else was right and I was wrong just to save face and not rock the boat. Rocking the boat would require a leg to stand on, strength behind it, and better yet - worth.
I NEVER spoke my mind, or had a say in how I felt no matter how much it hurt. I always stood in the background and watched all the bad shit happening and I was numb to it - I couldn't move - I was stuck in the web of belief that if i stayed quiet, it was better that way.
If someone wronged me the first thing that came out of my mouth was "it's okay I understand".. today I know different "it's NOT okay to hurt me, and I don't understand, and I am angry".
In therapy sometimes I find myself in tears because I don't understand why when someone hurts me, I am angry "why am I angry? this isn't who I am" and my therapist smiles and says "because you are finding your worth, and it's ok to be angry".
I have never had anyone from my past who hurt me say "Karen, I am sorry I hurt you, what can I do to make it better, and will you forgive me?". NEVER have I heard those words from them. I endured it, I took it, swallowed the emotions that followed it, and just let it SIT inside of me.
6 years of therapy has helped me to turn around and take that first step towards the current, and it's been hard! very hard!
I have learned how to dig deep and find my worth so that my voice can say "no" to the hurt and "yes" to me.
At times I still fall short when I struggle to find my worth, but I also have people who help remind me of that - I just have to accept it.
2 weeks ago I did just that. I stood my ground to the situation I needed to face, and it felt good, even though it was denied, at least I felt good in my own truth.
I took measures to care for myself. I spoke my voice and didn't swallow the emotions that followed.
I turned and walked against the whirlpool of lies that spun in the same direction for years telling me "you can't stand up for yourself", and even though it was almost impossible to push through, I changed the direction of the same pattern my whole life has taken.
Maybe changing the pattern and standing up to myself didn't change someone else, but it helped to change me.
That hardest lesson that I had to learn through this year was that "I can't change others, I have to be the one to change".
Maybe it's enough to have all the people who love and care for me by my side who helped me to turn in the opposite direction.
Maybe in the darkness I feel around this, there is light waiting for me on the other side; the side to where there is unfinished business from my past that made this hurt so much.
Maybe there is light in knowing that by walking against the current, I will find what has been pushing me for so long.
Maybe it's enough to accept those in front of me, and maybe it's enough that those in front of me accept me and that I am enough; that I am worth it!
No matter how hard the course was in the past year, I am blessed for the people I have in my life who never left my side no matter how hard the course.
I am blessed for the healing place to where I am loved, accepted and heard and continue to grow with the help of my therapist who already see's the direction ahead of me - when I can't see it.
I am blessed for God who truly see's the light in me - and maybe that is enough.
Maybe, finally, there will be some closure around this hard year, and I will find peace in knowing I can only go forward, that I am worth the space God found for me in my healing and on this journey.
I changed the current by walking in the opposite direction of the hurt that pushed me down, and even though it wasn't easy, at least now I get to see what is on the other side of this - in the opposite direction.