Since writing my blog post last night "breaking the silence", there has been a part of me that struggled with being so open about what I went through this past year. There was a small fear about being vulnerable to all my feelings. It wasn't fear of what I wrote, it was fear of accepting what I wrote; that it was okay for me to speak how I truly felt and what I truly went through.
I have always struggled with acceptance. The only acceptance I experienced in my life was one that came with a price. acceptance meant dependence, acceptance meant enduring. acceptance meant being worthy enough.
Accepting the hard blog I wrote yesterday in "breaking the silence" was saying yes to how I felt, and that is something I am not fully used to without there being some kind of fear behind it.
It wasn't easy talking about what this past year has been for me, not easy at all, but I knew it was the first step in healing from it. It was the first step in knowing it could free me from it.
Today in session my Therapist sincerely held my hand, and gave me an apology. I couldn't even look at him in the eyes because I don't know how to sit and hear or accept an apology; its something I struggle with in every area of my life.
It wasn't that my therapist did anything wrong, because he didn't. He was apologizing to me for all the pain this caused me; for asking me to find empowerment over all that was going on instead of "doing" something about it. He apologized for how much this took away from my healing this year, and what effects that had on my personal life. He apologized for how hurt and triggered I was.
Hearing this apology was incredibly hard! I didn't know how to accept it, because in order to accept his apology, I had to feel worthy of myself. I had to accept that "I was hurt and I had a right to be hurt". I had to accept that I was saying YES to me and NO to the hurt.
I thanked him for apologizing and I accepted, but I made sure to tell him that I didn't lose sight of how hard this was for him in this process either. It was a hard year showing up to therapy and working through something that completely derailed my healing. It was hard; but something that we both worked hard on as a team to move through it.
So as I sat in session today and heard this sincere apology, and accepting that my feelings were true and right, it almost felt overwhelming! I am used to enduring, not being protected. I am used to apologizing to others for something I didn't do, not being the receiver of the apology.
Today in session I accepted that I was loved and cared for, that the past will not repeat itself if I truly believe in who I am today. I accepted that just because I had to endure as a child, doesn't mean I have to endure as an adult.
So as the quote says above "There is freedom in self acceptance and compassion" .. I guess there really is freedom in that, because once i was able to accept just a little bit of his kind and gentle words, I felt stronger and lighter. I felt cared for and loved.
It's amazing what a little opening of acceptance can do.. just a little bit at a time made all the difference in how I feel about myself right now in this moment.
My hope is that, there is some kind of peace in this honesty. That there is some kind of peace in confronting, and my hope is that it was enough to confront and to stand up for my rights and my feelings. My hope is that this is finally something I can find rest in.