moments of solitude

"it is in solitude that we find ourgreatest strength"

A couple of years ago in therapy I dealt with a lot of my own silence in sessions. We would call this silence "The Weight"

It was incredibly frustration for me to be in that silence; especially when I needed to voice what was hurting so deeply inside.

There were times when a million things inside would be swirling around that needed a voice; but nothing would come out no matter how hard I tried! The fear instilled me so much that my voice was void, and it broke my heart when I couldn't speak.

The weight in the room was the old beliefs - the lies - the fear of speaking - and the fear of the emotions behind that silence.

My therapist always knew when the weight was present in the room, and he would say to me "lets stand!", so we would stand up together and walk around the room until the weight lifted and I was able to push through and talk about what it was I needed to talk about - moments of torture trying to find words to the pain.

Today the weight still shows up, but it's different. Today it's no longer the weight, but a silence of solitude and connection. Instead of standing up and pacing the room, he will walk over to me, stand beside me, both facing the window and just honoring what is there.

Then there are times when my therapist will just sit with me in my silence, hold my hand and just allow me the space to just be - gain courage and strength to find the words within. Sometimes allowing the silence to be there without having to work through what is there inside.

Time and connection has certainly changed what "silence" means for me today. Silence used to be the act of fear. Silence used to be the old beliefs that if I talk about it, a consequence would be paid. Silence used to be isolation and disconnection - today it's a place I can heal, and the silence is replaced with connection.

Since I started my blog 2 years ago, the silence of fear turned into silence of solitude. When I am quiet it's not because I am feared or hiding, it's because I am gaining strength in what I am working hard through.

When I am going through a hard time, or emotions are tougher, I sometimes sit in that silence as a place to think, honor and be, instead of running from it, and or hiding behind it.

In my writing there are moments to where words fill the pages so easily, and then there are moments to where I am silent.

There are days that I am so filled with words that I have my blog written in my head long before I get to my computer, and then there are times I sit and stare for hours before giving up and closing my laptop in disappointment.

This past week has been one of those moments to where the words are hard to find, and they sit in silence.

Instead of looking at these moments as silence of disconnection, I like to look at these moments as "alone time for myself", and I have learned to pay attention to those moments and not push them away.

I am working on something huge right now in therapy. it's pretty big and powerful that requires a lot of connection and sometimes silence. I have learned that connection and silence can go together hand in hand and still be empowering at the same time.

Instead of seeing silence as a threat, I look at it now as a big cup of coffee - take little sips while it's hot, and then enjoy it while it's warm.

Friday we had a great session! My therapist gave me so much hope about some hard things I am working through and I asked him if he could bottle some of that hope up and give it to me to hold onto over the weekend ..  he smiled and told me "that's what connection is in our work; a bottle of goodness and hope".

So as I sit here Saturday night enjoying the rest of my weekend with a cup of coffee in hand, I am a little silent, but something big is going on inside, and it's good! My writing may be a little choppy and has no flow, it's not perfect and feels out of place, but that is okay, and I accept that.

 So connection is here and I feel hopeful that in this silence there is something big to be said, honred and understood. I will continue to embrace these moments as solitude and peace - rather than fear and isolation.