Today in session something happened that totally blew my mind, and it left me speechless in the moment to where I had no words to explain the experience I had. My therapist and I changed subjects to what we are working through that has to do with "outside circumstances" and we needed a break from that for a moment and opened up something else.
I don't know how this conversation came about, but it had to do with my childhood and playing, and my therapist said to me "you just need to have a moment and play".
What he meant by that was, I have been the adult since I was 5 years old. Even today being over 40, I never allow myself to go to a place where I can be silly, playful or gitty. I am quite serious most of the time. I am hard working and don't allow myself to just be loose and let go of the adult part of me - hardly ever!
When my therapist said "you just need to have a moment and play", I paused and said "I am too young to play" .. he said "say that again" I said "I am too young to play" ... he smiled and said "say that one more time" - (frustrated with saying this over and over) I said "I am too young to play".. and he said to me "did you just hear what you said, you said you are too young to play" and the blood rushed to my head as I put my hand on my forehead in dismay!
I immediately defended myself and said no that's not what I meant, I meant I am too old to play... and a big smile came over his face and said "out of the mouths of babes - the 9 year old that you hold onto is still speaking for you, you NEVER had the chance to be a child, and you were always led to believe that you were too young to play, you could never be a child".
When I realized that I had said that not once, not twice, but 3 times without having any control over those words, I realized I DO hold onto the child and all the beliefs. I guess you could say it was a Freudian slip.
I never was able to be young enough to play or to be silly or fun, or anyways I wanted to be, and today something brought that truth out through those words.
My therapist scooted over to me and gave me a big hug with joy and sadness at the same time! It was a huge thing for me to allow the child to speak the truth! I NEVER was allowed to be a child. I had to endure what was going on and there was no room for anything else.
I sat there with this puzzled look on my face because I myself realized that I didn't know I was saying those words, but yet there they were - the truth revealed. I never realized just how much that child like person is still inside of me that I suffocate with adultness.
I have had friends tell me "just relax, let yourself be".
I don't know how to be anything else but what I am - the adult making tough decisions, working hard when going through hard things, being the wife, the mom and the responsible child of God... but never do I allow myself to let loose and be young inside! I don't even know what that looks like.
My therapist said this was a God moment - something showing up to show me what I need to understand and realize inside of me. I truly believe even more so after today that God shows up in ways we sometimes don't understand; a lesson to be learned, something to be told and understood - that happened today.
It was a beautiful thing, but a sad thing to realize. How much I shut out the young part of me to always be the adult.
My therapist always tells me that adults need to be young sometimes. It allows us to grow in other ways.
Today was a great session, not just because of the realization, but because of the goodness, grace, and hope in our work, and moments just like this that God creates.
So this weekend I will find ways to be young and fun! I will find ways to let go of the "always a fighter" in me, and allow myself to just be. I don't know what that looks like, and I don't know if I will find it, but I will search for it, and when I do find it, I will let it happen.