Today I walked back into therapy after the Christmas Break we just had. It was a nice break, but I did find myself missing the place and space I spend quite a lot of time in. The moment I walked in I was emotional. We gave each other a big hug, and I had tears! I missed him even though we stayed connected the whole time.
I missed his kind eyes and warm presence. I missed his wisdom and quirks - but most of all, I missed his way of giving me hope that the next step is always the right step, and the hope along my path.
I am a counter dependent person and have been my whole life. Counter dependent means refusing to become dependent on another person in fear of attachment. This time however, during this break, I allowed myself a little more space to miss and maybe even allow myself a little attachment (gulp).
In the 6 years working together I don't think I ever had tears from missing my place of healing or my therapist.
My therapist said to me "I missed you too, I take you everywhere with me". I didn't even know what that meant. I said to him "what does that even mean? why would you miss me?"... and he explained and I understood, and the funny thing is, it didn't sound dependent that he missed me, why do I struggle with it? Yeah Yeah I know, it's because of the life I had as a child, but sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to be normal and have normal feelings without guilt.
When I was little my parents would always drop me off at a lady friends house for her to watch me while they would go out. Sometimes they would come the same night and pick me up, and other times I would end up spending the night because they were "too" busy to bother with me. Sometimes it would be 2 days before they came and got me and I would wait at the window for them. I learned at a very young age to put up boundaries and walls and to not become attached, because you never know when they will hurt you. I don't expect, because expecting hurts, and becoming attached to someone is scary - for me anyways.
In therapy when there are breaks even though we always stay connected by emails and texts, there is always that small thin wall I put up to not allow myself to miss or become attached, but this break however it was different. I connected more, I also connected to everyone I spent the holidays with, and I allowed myself to miss a little.
Walking into therapy today was a good feeling because I didn't hold onto my feelings, I expressed them and they were welcomed with a smile telling me "it's okay to miss, it doesn't mean dependency", and I got it, I really got it.
My space of healing felt familiar and warm. We had a 2 hour session today and it was really nice reconnecting back into my world of healing; the place that holds my story, my hurts, my thoughts and my voice.
I feel like I walked back in right where I left off, even with my photo of the tree's hanging on the wall. I was his last client before break he said and so we decided to leave the "tree photo" up on the wall during break, so when I walked in, it was just like I left it, and it was nice and felt welcoming, and I felt very comfortable talking about all that I was holding inside waiting to be let out.
This is a new year and I plan to use the hardness of last year and the goodness I feel now to move forward to new paths in my healing. I am looking forward to it, and I look forward to seeing where "allowing a little attachment" takes me. It's so scary and BIG, but I have a feeling this is the next big step in my healing.