I woke up this morning and decided to go to Saturday morning Mass. I go on Sunday's, but something was also pushing me to go this morning - so I went. I love those moments where you show up somewhere and there is a message to be told; something to be learned; something to be understood.
Father Paul said "Have you ever been in the dark for a long amount of time and the moment you step out into the light you have to squint your eyes because its so painful to look into the light? That is what coming out of the darkness feels like. It's painful, it hurts, you want to run back into the darkness where no one can see you; where you sometimes feel the most comfortable. But then you allow yourself to embrace the light, it gets easier to open your eyes."
This reminds me so much of therapy and my healing; especially in the beginning of my journey years ago. I felt as if I was kicked down and beat up emotionally after leaving a therapy session and thought to myself at times "why do I show up?" "why would I want to continue showing up to a place where it's painful to walk into the light?" .. the answer is clear - because the light is where the healing begins, not in the darkness - I feel it every day.
As I sat there listening to the Homily that Father Paul was giving, I knew right away that this was going to be something I would write about in my blog.
Was it a message from God? I truly believe God gives us messages to hear. I believe in my heart that this was a reminder that even though sometimes the light is painful, the dark is far more painful than the light will ever be.
Father Paul said "sometimes you just have to keep on pushing yourself through the pain of the light, and eventually your vision will become clear" .. I got chills when I heard this because it's rings so true to what the past 6 years have been for me; finding the light from darkness.
I have spent my whole childhood in the dark lonely closet. The light was risky, it was scary and painful so I chose to sit in the dark closet to hide form the abusers. Eventually God pulled me out of that darkness and gave me light, and through my healing I am taking steps into that light every single day that I show up, but I need to keep showing up no matter how hard or easy it is.
My therapist said to me in an email last night "The most loving thing you can do for you and for your past is to keep moving forward and accepting the love, the care, and the support!" Living life that God has created for you is the best way to honor you and your healing".
Showing up is walking into the light no matter how painful at times. It's honoring me, and honoring me is healing me. It's allowing God to heal me. Its allowing my support to help heal me and that is where the light is!
This is the process I have been taking for years in my healing - walking out of the dark, into light both painful yet healing. Squinting my eyes to the hard, but then slowly removing my hands to see what is safe around me.
I came home from Mass and shared with my husband the homily and my talk with Father Paul and how deep that was for me - I was basically lit up from the great message and conversation. I LOVE those moments!
I am so thankful that I showed up for Saturday morning Mass, because it reminded me of where I am, where I have been, and where I know I want to be.