redefining hope

"How big is this problem on a scale of one to God?" When I saw this quote it took my breath away for a moment! It's holds so much meaning yet something that can be so confusing.

I have a ambivalence relationship with God; one that I think is finally coming to an understanding.

At times I am torn between not wanting to burden God with my little problems vs someone's big, and yet I am coming to realize there is no scale; God is here no matter what the hurt is, no matter what lays at my feet that burdens me big or small.

At times I am torn between why God leaves my side, and why he shows up when he does - but I am coming to realize it's by his path and choice, not mine.

My therapist always reminds me - "If God is for us, how can anyone be against us". I never used to know what that meant until this year; until I have gone through some really tough moments when I needed to hear that truth, even if I didn't quite believe it then.

Just when I think God leaves my side and there is no hope for figuring out the hard and painful, he's there giving me a sign either through other people, or as simple as a whisper in my thoughts or a dream.

I think that this past week has been a testimonial to just how much God shows up if I allow him to. I have finally found empowerment over things that barred down hard on me this year. I learned to accept what support looks like through it, and somehow found a little more worth in myself to accept that.

I walked towards God again after being away from the church for 3 months - if that isn't God, I don't know what is.

I sat with my Deacon last week and he made me see things that only God could help me see - through him. He assured me of what it is I need to do to let go of something that someone has done to hurt me, and pray for them, not to give them strength, but to give me strength. Deacon Bill said "Prayer doesn't change other people, prayer changes YOU"... and this week is a true testament of that.

I asked Deacon Bill when I sat with him last week, "How does God hear everyone's prayer?" and he said "Isn't that amazing, isn't that a beautiful thing?".. but yet he didn't have an answer for me - it's just something that is beyond our understanding, it's just there within us - it's the holy spirit within us.

When I sat in church this morning at Mass after being away from the church for 3 months, I had tears, not because I was sad, but because I was happy to be back in a place that I feel worthy to be in again. I have come to realize that just because I am going through a hard time, it doesn't mean I am not wanted or worthy to show up in front of God; God wants us no matter where we are in our lives, no matter what we are going through.

Last year I heard a quote from Father Paul  that totally floored me - he said "Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints". NO matter if we are going through trials and errors in our lives, or if we are elated with happiness; God accepts every part of us.

This year has been a year filled with unquestionable hurt, unnecessary derailment, and hard hard work in my healing - but it has also made me stronger not only in my healing, but in my faith, and stronger in the relationships with my support.

I am a firm believer that we cannot just "hand" everything over to God, he gives us strength to move through the things in life we are faced against, and he hears our prayers to give us love and hope.

Another quote that my therapist told me a long time ago (and still reminds me of this every now and again) that I LOVE is "God is here for us through minimum protection, but maximum support". I have always loved that and held onto that quote in questionable times.

This week has been a week of celebration and dance for me in therapy and in the hardness of what this year has brought for me. I am still working through hard and painful stuff, and at times it's really hard to hear the goodness around me - but the difference is, I am finding my worth to let God and my support help me through it.