I am still reeling from the realization of truth that my therapist shared with me on Friday. I think for me there is this new found self worth and love that I have for myself, because I have finally accepted that this year and the things that happened this year was not my fault.
The things that I went through this year were extremely hard for me to talk about. You feel isolated and alone, you feel trapped and embarrassed by how it's effecting you.
My therapist and I worked diligently around this, and the push and the pull was "my worth" and "feeling like it was my fault". The push and the pull was talking about it vs. keeping it in.
It was the tug of war between me the adult, and the 9 year old child who was re-triggered. It was the tug of war between right and wrong, connection and disconnection, empowerment and fear.
I was in a constant struggle this year, and it was hard! My therapist has really made me see some things that allowed me to let go of the rope in the tug of war, and allow myself to see my worth, see the connection, see the right, see the love, see the empowerment - see the TRUTH.
I have gone through moments this year where I felt totally empowered, and then triggers from my past would come right back in and sweep it away as fast as it came, and that has been a REAL struggle for me this year. It was the past and the present colliding together creating a spiral of emotions that I felt I had no control over.
I am usually the type of person that when I find empowerment over something, it stays, but what happened this year was too close to my past for me to see or stay with that empowerment! When I found the empowerment, it didn't stick long before it was taken away by old voices and old beliefs.
Friday however, something clicked, something was shared, something was heard, something was realized, something was honored, and a full connection around this was made, and I am sitting here 3 days later and I still find the goodness and the empowerment.
I went into session today and the difference in energy was just different - no words can describe. No more feeling the bad energy that surrounded this, it was good - like it was my place to heal again.
I can accept that I am cared for, loved, supported and connected in my place of healing. I am surrounded by family and friends who really GET it and I can accept that people get it and understand without the tug of war going on inside of me.
So as I sit here Monday on this rainy dreary day, I am still sitting in the sunspots of hope and goodness, and I share that goodness with my support; those who helped me to see what I needed to see.
This is a huge step forward in my healing, and the tug of war has stopped! I have the rope, and I plan to use it as strength rather than something to pull me away from my strength.
It will take some work to move through this new-found understanding and acceptance, and I am sure I will have moments where I am slightly unsure, or will struggle with the changes I have to accept around this, but at least I am finally at a place where there is healing in the knowing.
I am blessed ... to finally be at this place after a year of pure struggle.