Tonight I went and sat in the sanctuary at my church! I went and kneeled at my usual pew that I always sit at, and had some time alone with God tonight. The sanctuary at night is very dark, and the only thing visible is this little red flickering candle that stays lit at all times, and you can see the crucifix ahead and the shadows that surround it.
I am Catholic, and I love my faith. I became Catholic 2 1/2 years ago, and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.
Sadly the past 3 months I have fallen away from the church - I stopped going for a while. I felt myself being pulled away from the church as I was going through some hard times;when actually those are the moments I should have showed up the most.
This year has been a tough year for me, and when I am going through a hard time, I don't find myself worthy enough to show up to church, or to be around too many people. When I am going through a hard time I tend to isolate myself only to the immediate people in my life who feel safe to me. I don't want people to see me when I am going through a tough time; so I escape into my self being.
My therapist is one of the only people who truly understands my relationship with God - He was there for me that night when I became catholic, and he saw me accept my first communion. He understands my relationship with God more than anyone, because I talk to him about it - I don't talk about my relationship with God with too many people, I hold it close to my heart and open up about my faith with only those who truly get it.
We pray together in sessions when we are really working through something tough - we will huddle in a hug together, hold hands and both pray with each other, and almost everytime we sit and pray together - something of goodness comes out of it.
Even when I am not going through a tough time, he will offer to sit in prayer together - it's refreshing and healing for me. I love his prayers!
We talked about this yesterday in session about me going back into the church no matter how I feel about myself, no matter what hardness I am going through, no matter who tries to bring me down in my healing. NO matter how hard the past 3 months have been, it always goes back to God and his grace.
My therapist is really good at reminding me of where my heart is, even in times when I feel I am lost in that. I was reminded of that again yesterday, and tonight -I showed up in church, and I prayed and it felt good to be back in the arms of God tonight.
I have a interesting relationship with God, he shows up in my life not when I ask him to show up, but when he feels I need it the most, and it almost always shows up through connection, love and support.
I sometimes put a distance between me and God when I am angry, or don't understand something, or when I need something and he is not providing me that relief of a need met - but he always shows up in the end, and it's always through my support.
Tonight when I left the church my shirt and the bottom of my hair was soaked from crying so much - I was emotional in my prayer because I missed being in his presence, I missed that time with God, and I missed my pew, and my church, and the feeling it gives me.
When I got into the car I sent a message to my therapist and said "I did it, I showed up and it felt good, thank you for knowing what it was I needed, and thank you for being someone who is truly on and by my side".
Tomorrow I will show up in therapy and I will share the prayer I had with my therapist and maybe we will sit and pray together and thank God for bringing me back to the place that always fills my heart with goodness and grace no matter how hard or GOOD things are.
So tonight my heart feels lifted! I have faith that God will show up, maybe not right in this very moment, but when I least expect it and I will full accept it with a smile - I will know when that moment comes for me.
I am truly blessed for the support and people in my life who never give up on me when I turn my back towards them in the hard, and I am truly blessed for my therapist Andy who knew exactly what it was that I needed, and he was right.