I have asked myself many times this year "why?" "what is the reason?" - Why was this year filled with so many unexpected, unneeded, unnecessary trial of events that did not need to happen? Why did so many chain of events happen that threw me right back into my past and hurt me so deeply?
Anne Lamotte writes in her new book: "There is relief in admitting that you have reached the place of the great unknown. This is where restoration can begin, because when you're still in the state of trying to fix the unfixable, everything bad is engaged: the chatter of your mind, the tension of your physiology, all the trunks and wheel-on's you carry from your past, it's exhausting and crazy making" - Anne Lamotte "Help, Wow, Thanks".
I spent my childhood not understanding why I was going through what I was going through, and to this day as the adult I am today, I still do not have an answer. I don't even have answers today as to why some hurt me, or why things happen the way they do, but I need to stop looking for why, and just continue to move forward in what I "DO" know.
I think I am finally beginning to understand that it's not about figuring out why, it's about learning to tap into your strength and wisdom to move through it. It's about finding your worthiness of self to know you are worth fighting for.
This is a hard thing to realize and to accept, because I am a problem solver. I like to understand something, to figure it out, to understand it's reason for being here and why is it hurting me?
Does knowing why really make it better? Does it take the pain away? does it take the memories away? does it change what happened? Does finding out the answer heal the damage it did? the answer to all of those questions is NO!
This was a hard year this year.. many chain of events happened that knocked me off my path of healing, and to this day I am still trying to figure out why, but the answer is not found in why, the healing is not found in why, it's about how I got back on my path to healing, and how I am learning from it today.
God gives us a path - the path is already laid out for us, but the one thing God does not have control over is what happens on that path; it's up to us to use the strength God gave us to make it through the obstacles that get thrown at us.
I think we tend to forget that even though there are obstacles, the path never changes, and God certainly never leaves our side. God cannot change the free will of others, but he can sure give you the strength to get back up on that path he laid out of us so that we can learn from it, grow on it, and become a better person because of it.
So as I sit here today looking back on all the wonders I have in "why" like - why did many things happen this year that did not need to happen? Why did those many things hurt and effect me so much on my path of healing? Why did my mom try and take her life? Why did I turn back to pain pills at the beginning of the year when things seemed too hard to handle? Why do people do what they do to hurt others?
The answer? There is no answer - but what I do know is the strength God gave me to overcome any obstacles since I was a child till now, and that strength in stopping the pain pills 6 months ago knowing there was no answer in numbing my feelings. To know that I have wonderful support who stands by my side in the "unknowing" and to accept what is right in front of me "support, love, care and connection".
The path that God laid out for me has never changed, its where I find the strength to get back on it and move through it by accepting that healing is not always in "the answer" but found in the strength beyond the answer.
I have over-come a lot of things this year in the pain and hardness - I have learned more about myself and my past because of this hard year. I have grown closer to my support, to my therapist, to therapy, my friends and people who I lean on for support when not knowing the answer gets too tough for me.
I have learned to have patience and fight through the frustrations of wonder. I have learned to ask for things and accept that maybe it's mine to have. I have learned to use my voice to speak how I feel and take risks that my voice DOES matter and that the truth will prevail - and knowing I am supported in that truth.
So although I don't have the answers, I do have faith that the path laid out before me, is the right path, and I have many wonderful people who I have chosen to walk this path with me, even if we walk in never understanding why, at least I am not alone in that.
Anne Lamotte writes : "Air and light heals : they sometimes get into those dark and musty places like spiritual antibiotics. We don't have to figure out how this all works, it's enough to know it does"