letting it be known

I saw this quote over the weekend on another blog and I just about lost my breathe because it was so deep and real. It was something that has taken me a long time to learn; something that was foreign to me even just a couple of years ago - until now.

Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal . . . Sadness is painful. We try to avoid it. Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our emotional pain.  To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us.” - John Bradshaw

This past year I have grown closer to my therapist in a sense that I can tell him anything; no matter how much I want to keep it locked inside, no matter how much the "weight" inside tries to keep it down, no matter how hard 2:00 is, or those voices inside of me that tell me that I am not worthy of speaking how I feel, I TALK about it now, no matter what!

The past almost 6 years in therapy, I have told my therapist many many things - secrets, my hurts, wishes, and even joys, but I always felt I was always keeping it at bay - keeping a boundary - but today I know different, I am open to talk about anything and I feel more free, even in the pain!

Today was a great example of just that. I talk to my therapist about something that bothered me over the Thanksgiving break (nothing to do with him or therapy) it was something else on the outside that was truly bothering me and Instead of keeping it inside and letting it fester up and eat me up, I talked to my therapist about it today, and what I got was care, love and understanding and better yet support!

I was petrified of emotions just a couple of years ago. I couldn't even say the word "CRY" I couldn't even hear someone else say the word "Cry" without me wanting to run!! My heart would race sometimes in session when I felt emotions coming on! Emotions were always scary and painful, and reminded me of all the reasons why it was bad to show emotions.

I have learned the hard way that holding onto emotions, or holding onto things inside that need a voice or an emotion does more damage than good. It eats away at the self worth and leaves us alone inside to fight a battle we don't need to fight alone.

This year has been a year of learning to open up and talk about things I hold inside; to talk about things that hurt or bother me. I have the ability to open up to any of my support and let it be known how I feel, I don't have to hold it alone - others can carry it with me.

Today after I spent an hour telling my therapist in session how I felt and what bothered me over the thanksgiving break, I felt better, I felt lifted, I felt supported, cared for and understood.

The power is talking about it beats the festered emotions that stir up inside and created disconnect, and today it felt good to connect to how I felt, and not let it eat me up like I have done in the past.

if I were to look back on myself even just a year ago, I would never guess that I would be opening up like I am today - and the one thing that my therapist reminds me of everyday is "we can talk about anything", and today we did and I feel lifted in that truth.

Thank God for giving me strength to make a difference in the life I once lived vs. the life I want to live - free, open and connected.