It has been incredibly hard work in therapy this year!! Sometimes when you work so hard, things seem astray; like losing a sense of self because you get so lost in what is going on around you - at least for me.
Today was my longer session (TT) and we talked, and talked, worked through and shared wisdom, connected, and reworked, figured out, asked each other questions, talked about it, figured out more, problem solved, understood, and connected more - I guess you could say it was a beautiful thing today.
What I realized in the 2 hours of session today was "this feels familiar". The key to my healing has always been the familiar work that my therapist and I do together.
We have A LOT of history together! almost 6 years now. We have a great relationship, and work closely together in and outside therapy and anytime I start to stray away in the hard work, I am reminded of where the connection is - I look to the familiar to guide me.
My therapist always tells me "we make a great team" and we do! I show up and have not missed but one or maybe 2 sessions in almost 6 years. I show up because I value myself and what I want different in my life today.
I am there to work hard, figure out, and to heal, not to depend on, or stay stuck, but to make movement.
Sometimes I work too hard and never allow myself to breathe - but somewhere in the mess this year, I lost a sense of that familiar of where my healing path is, and today was a reminder "oh wait, it's right here in front of me".
Today felt familiar. I felt I took a huge step back to look at the familiar right in front of me, and then took a HUGE step forward.
We talked about the things that hurt, about the things I am sad about or angry about, and I was heard and supported and that felt so familiar.
I found myself problem solving, and opening myself up more to the wisdom my therapist was sharing with me. We sat there and talked through feelings and thoughts, and I felt there was huge movement out of this huge mess that this year has brought for me, and it felt good and familiar.
I am sitting here, thinking about the 9 year old I was - she never had anyone to problem solve her feelings. She never had the opening to be with the hurt and talk about the hurt. She never was able to speak about disappointments or to be open when someone is hurting her. She never had a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on when the feelings felt too overwhelming (for free anyways). She never had the support, the connection, the "checking in on" or the care of how she was doing.
Today I have that, I have that right in my therapy room, I have that with all the people around me who know me and my heart. The child within from the past is heard, and I am here as the adult today honoring that, and that feels familiar as it once did.
Today felt familiar and it feels so good to be back into that familiar feeling that I have missed so much in therapy this year, and I realized today just how lucky I am that god sent me a healer who truly supports me no matter what pain I share! Someone who has been along side of me and never gave up on me no matter how hard it got - and someone I trusted to keep showing up myself.
I realized today that nothing is too scary to be told, and that is a good feeling; something she "the child within" never had the chance to feel and today I can give that to her.