Today I went into session on my normal day off, and it was not easy to accept! It doesn't happen often, and I may have written about this before, but it's a huge huge deal for me.
I like some distance on my day off to reflect and have time to myself, but sometimes when I am really struggling with something; my therapist will work with me into more connection to keep the connection going so I dont get lost in the struggle - but sometimes in those moments it's truly hard to accept it.
I showed up today, and we talked about me showing up, allowing myself to show up, allowing myself some small part of attachment and allowing myself to be loved, cared for, and deserving of the space offered on my day off today.
We talked about attachment and how it's good for me to allow that, because the 9 year old never had the chance to connect when she needed it, and today as the adult, I sometimes push it away and try and take care of myself.
Everything came with a price in my past. Everything had a motive, a reason, or was conditional. Today I am learning slowly that I can accept without it being conditional, or having to give up something for it - I can take it freely and just lean in on the goodness.
We touched on something really tough today about just that, and I had big big tears; a sobbing cry that came out of nowhere and I allowed myself to let it be okay to be in that, and allow myself to be attached to the space, to my therapist and my emotions.
Attachment and dependency are 2 of my biggest obstacles in life - I am scared of it. I am scared of being dependant on someone else. I am scared to allow myself to be attached to someone, because I believe it's not safe. My therapist is teaching me today very gently that there are no consequence or price to pay for the support, connection, love and care... it's mine if I need it, no strings attach, all I need to do is just accept it!
I allowed myself to show up today, be attached to my therapist, talk about my emotions, and allow myself to BE - at first it didn't feel right, but then I left feeling lifted and open, and lighter inside!
It's a hard road of learning this and accepting this, but little by little I can see myself becoming someone who allows others to love me unconditionally, and to actually accept that when I need someone or something - it's there and it's mine.