I always talk to my therapist about how God put him in my life at the right time. We talk about God a lot in session, and how grateful we are to have found a path together on this journey of mine.
When I was little, I used to sit in the closet to rock away my fears and emotions, and I remember how I used to pray all the time! I would pray that I would find a place to feel safe and loved.
I remember at times I would sit in the closet and talk as if someone was there listening to me, and I remembered thinking of how much I wished I would have someone to hear me and my pain, and take me away from the fear.
I remember the endless days of feeling utterly alone, crying into the pillow wishing it was a hug from someone safe. I remember writing letters as if I was writing to someone who really wanted to know what was going on with me - who would have known that all those times, God was really listening, and he knew when that time would come.
5 1/2 years ago, only a month into therapy, I remember handing my therapist this little piece of paper that I wrote on the plane when I was on my way back from visiting home in NH. It was an outline of the abuse I went through as a child, written on this little napkin size paper. I remember when I handed it to my therapist, he had tearful eyes, and I remember how sad that felt, but how powerful it was at the same time. It was my first step towards healing me, and trusting who God put in my life.
Today, we talk about this a lot in session; how God answered my prayers to have a safe place to talk, a safe person to share my story with, and to be loved, cared about, and heard.
God chooses the people in our lives, I truly believe that. I have many people in my life that I am thankful for, and these people in my life lift me up and move me along in my healing. I believe every person in my life serves a purpose to my healing, and every person fills me with joy, comfort and goodness.
I think back to those days as a child sitting in the closet and it makes me tearful! I wish I could go back and cuddle that child and assure her that someone will be there for her, that she will be heard, loved and cared for. I wish I could go back and assure her that she will find a way to move out into a place of goodness to heal. It makes me tearful when I think about all that I went through as a child, and how alone I felt.
My life as a child - I was surrounded by abuse and fear! I only knew how to hide and be confined. I built walls among walls and it took me a long long time to trust those God put in my life.
Today in session, I thought about that little note I gave my therapist over 5 1/2 years ago, and how that was my first step to healing, and accepting all that God has given me in my life.
I am truly blessed for the place I heal in. I am blessed for the wonderful therapist I have and for all the connection, care and support he gives me in hearing all that I have inside no matter how hard, how sad, how angry, how joyful.. I am accepted and that is all the little girl ever wanted, and today she has that.
I have good people in my life, and today I was reminded of just how much God has truly looked out for me, and her; the little girl who never thought she would have the goodness I have today.