Friday in session was one of those moments where time stood still in the understanding and knowing. I love those moments when something is said, and something clicks and I just get it, and getting it gives me a form of relief; a sign of hope, goodness and more connection.
My therapist reminds me everyday "everything is going to be okay"... and I put that trust in him that he will find a way to move me through the harder times, and Friday he did just that.
Like I have mentioned many many times in my writings lately, I have gone through a lot this year! I have gone through things that has brought my past to the surface that left me feeling stuck inside; stuck with the 9 year old that felt similar feelings when she felt trapped, watched and violated.
Friday afternoon in session my therapist and I sat and had one of those talks where it wasn't hard, it wasn't quiet, no tears, no hardness it was a good open honest talk about how I feel, and what his thoughts are on moving me through this gently.
I felt he understood how I felt, and the hope he gave me in moving through this was hope I haven't felt in a very long time.
For a while now, I have been battling emotions between the adult me and the 9 year old me. The adult me has no fear of what is going on around me, but the 9 year old me from the past who is stuck still questions everyone around her, and still lurks around the corners for those who may hurt her.
It's been a constant tug of war of emotions inside, and sometimes it's hard to know which emotions are right, which emotions are tied to the past, or really tied to the now.
9 years old was the age that I realized all the lies and hurt going on in the family. 9 years old was the age that she realized she was enduring something that had no love on the other side of it. 9 years old is the age she was hurt the most and she put up the thickest walls to numb not just to those around her, but to numb herself from feeling the hurt that was endured on her.
My therapist said to me Friday that we need to love the 9 year old, talk to the 9 year old that still resides inside my soul and ask her "what do you need?" "what are you holding onto so you can be let free from the lies that still bind to you inside?".
I do agree, the 9 year old lives inside of me through old fears, old feelings, old beliefs and sometimes it gets in the way of my life today as the adult who is a mom, a wife and a friend.
It's hard when the past gets in the way of the things that you want to believe in, but there are always those old messages that step in and take over. Sometimes the old beliefs are so strong, it's hard to push through what I know today, and that is an emotional struggle for me; especially this year.
This year has been about just that - old fears through something that was going on that left me feeling violated and wronged, but my therapist has helped me to see that it's not about me, it's about someone else and I am slowly working through that and finding empowerment in that.
At the end of session Friday there was such a huge part of me that felt relieved that finally there is hope to move out of these old feelings that came out of this mess and hopefully - finally have some sense of a new direction towards me again.
This is why I show up.. this is why I have shown up for the past 5 1/2 years now.. I have a great therapist that I am so blessed for and of course GOD who guides us both in the right direction into my healing.