Tonight I decided to do something a little different with my blog and writing. I had asked my therapist tonight on the phone "what should I write about in my blog tonight? what would you want to read and wonder about?".
He said to me "The word freedom comes to mind", and right away I knew why, and how that parallels to what this year has been about for me in work in healing, about what I am holding onto, and what is here at the surface.
When I think of the word freedom, it's not about living a life without pain, or moving through life on a clean slate with no hard paths to walk - it's about living a life without "her" pain; the child that I have been holding onto my whole life.
I hold onto the child inside of me wanting to make life better for her; wanting to give her a life she never had - but as I heal as the adult today, I am feeling that her pain and her beliefs get in the way of who I need to be today.
I am finding more and more as I walk towards me, that the old pain comes thru not allowing me to be and believe in all the truth that is around me today.
Having her and the past at the surface Has been so incredibly painful and triggering and I feel I am always fighting a tug of war with the then and the now.
When I think of the word "Freedom" I think about the work that my therapist and I are doing right now, and that is "honoring what is here from the past, and letting go of the girl inside of me who holds a world filled with confusion and pain".
I am working on letting her go, letting the child inside feel the pain, but also feel the truth and rest in knowing she is loved and I am here today as the adult honoring the love and care for myself like I never had before as a child.
This past week my therapist opened up to me with his most heartfelt gentle caring wisdom and said to me "you need to let go of something, in order to honor the other". "you need to let go of her, in order to honor her".
I don't think I will forget that talk we had, and how sad it was to know I have to honor what is here at the surface and let the child inside go, and how painful but yet true it was.
I live inside this circle going round and round, honoring the past and her inside, and yet trying to be who I want to be today. The old beliefs get in the way, and doesn't allow me to grow. I am constantly protecting the child inside, wanting to keep her safe, and yet I am not taking care of myself and what I need today.
When I think of the word freedom, I think of letting go of the old, and embracing the past as the adult I am today.
I think of freedom as putting her to rest, and talking about my feelings today as ME and no one else - what does Karen feel? What hurts does Karen hold today without always protecting and covering for the 9 year old inside?
When I think about letting her go inside -I cry the moment I think about it. It's like letting go of a child you protected and loved.
I think what holds the child inside is "unfinished business". I think when we hold the child inside its about fulfilling a need that we just cannot accept as the adult today. I think when we hold onto the child inside, its about looking for something in order to find closure.
Sometimes there is no closure, the answer is loving and giving ourself today the love and care and acceptance of those who love and care about us today, and let the child be loved that way.
I think freedom is finding out what it is that holds the child inside, so that she can be laid to rest so that I can honor my feelings today as me - who I am today.
I have talked about the past many times in the 5 1/2 years I have been in therapy, but never did I honor the story and my feelings as the adult - letting her go and letting "me" be who I want to be without covers or walls - finding freedom for my feelings and emotions.
I am not quite sure yet how the process will go, but I trust that I will honor her the best way I can - love the child inside and find the love worthy of myself today - finding the freedom to be in that sadness knowing that it will lead me to a fuller path of joy and happiness, but also hurt and sadness, but MY hurt and sadness, not hers.