It has been a hard lesson to learn this year "accept the things you cannot change"; especially when you know something is not right - yet you have to accept it to move through it. My whole life was about holding truth vs their lies. My whole childhood was about never being able to stand for myself when I knew something was wrong; yet having to endure it and not speak it.
My blog, my truth and my healing have gone through the ringer this year!! Situations that were both triggering and painful; one in-particular uncomfortable situation that has been on and off again for the past past 8 months - a sitatuion that I did not ask for - a situation that sent my healing into a whirlwind, and derailed me from the empowerment I was walking towards before all this had happened!
I have learned hard lessons, healing lessons, some good lessons, but mostly hurtful lessons in this.
I have had to learn the hard way that when you speak truth and put yourself out there to be heard - some will rebel, go against, and use their envy as a way to emotionally make you feel less than just because of their unhappiness, or their unfulfilled healing in themselves.
What I have had to learn the most this year is how to still be me in the midst of it all. How to believe in my truth and not the lies, how to remain who I am and fight through the hardship and keep a clear eye on the path ahead of me. How to learn to trust those around me.
I have learned how to find empowerment over the powerless; unlike my childhood when I didn't have that kind of power.
I have also learned and realized that I myself made mistakes in this situation by not making more aggressive and outspoken needs be known. I just put the blame on myself or kept saying it was OK at times when it wasn't - even though it was known (very well known) how uncomfortable it was making me feel; but yet still being done.
The past 4 months have been extremely hard because I thought "something" had stopped, and it didn't. I had to accept it even though it made me feel horrible and re-triggered! I had to learn the hard way again that there are just some things you cannot control or change.
It masks and runs parallel to my past and childhood in such a huge way that it was almost impossible to tell the difference between then and now. It masks the feelings from the past inside to say "if wrong is being done to me, I must be doing something wrong", and it has taken me months to realize that it wasn't about me.
It not only put me through a lot this year, but it has put my family through a lot because of how it made me feel, and how it effected my life and my way of being. It effected me being me, me being a mom, me being a wife, me being a friend and it even effected how I worked through my healing in therapy.
The past week or so, with the help from my therapist and my support system - I have been supported in knowing that this is the now and this is not about me. I have the power to stand in my truth and let it be just that - let it be enough that I and everyone around me knows the truth in all of this and I will continue to stand in that truth.
I have had to reach deep inside and find the strength to accept my voice, my blog and my writing as who I am, and do what it is I love to do no matter who is watching, what people think, or what envy may be there because of who I am or where I am.
I should not have to be punished or made feel guilty because of where I am in my journey, or what connection I have vs others.
I worked hard for what I have on this path to healing - I have worked my ass off and still working my ass off to be where I am today and it's been so incredibly emotionally hard to move into this place today!
Don't be envy or hateful of me for what I have in this healing! Don't punish me for what you don't have - my life was a living hell as a child and I wouldn't ask anyone - ANYONE (not even my worse enemies) to walk in my shoes of the life I had, or he hardness of the healing I do to move through this.
For the longest time I put the blame of this blog situation on myself - "should I have written less?" - "should I have stop writing all together to spare the eyes reading?" - "should I take my blog down to make it easier for others?" - "should I have not spoken so much about what successes I have had, or the great connections I have?".
The answer to all those are NO, because those are the things I did as a child (hold back and led to be made feel less than).
Today as the adult I have a voice to speak, and the power is in speaking how I feel regardless of what others think, or better yet what others don't have, or can't find in themselves yet.
I have had this over-whelming feeling in the past 2 months of wanting to "confront" the situation/person again head on - but I have been shown to realize it just won't make a difference, and to accept that it's good enough that I believe in my turth, my support believes in me, the people who know me and love me believes in me, and God believes in me - and that is good enough to accept.
I know the truth and I stand by what I know, and I am no longer allowing what I don't have control over take control over me anymore!
Like I have learned in this "you have to be the one to change when something or someone else won't"
I am moving on from this, I have to move on from this for me - and I am saying this to anyone who may read this that has a problem with my spoken voice and truth - "think what you will of me, because I will continue to be who I am regardless, this is my healing path, my journey, not anyone else's".
Like my support said to me - "put that blog back up and keep writing, because that is who you are, that is a part of your healing" - and I am glad I took that advice, because when I write in my blog, I feel I am home; home to where my voice speaks truth and connects with others.
I read my blog in session for the first time in a long time the other day and it felt so right!!! It was a beautiful moment to bring that back into the healing place; to where my healing was before this mess happened this year! it felt like my blog again.
I love writing and connecting with others, and I will continue to write through my healing, and I will learn to accept the things I cannot change, and trust what I know deep inside my heart, and that is - THE TRUTH!
I read this quote that just left me breathless the other day and that was "Conflict cannot survive without participation" .. I can't be conflicted if I dont allow myself to be conflicted by someone else.
With the being said - I am here, and I am writing and it feels good to be in that truth; where I have stood in this all along.