It has taken me 5 years, 8 months, and a handful of days to actually say the words "I am not broken". Yesterday in session when having tears about my past in talking about things that hurt I said the words "I am broken and damaged and I am trying to heal", and my therapist said to me
"no you are not broken, there is nothing broken about you, you are smart, beautiful, caring, creative, a great photographer, artistic, a great mom, and most of all a child of god, you are not broken, you are worthy of love and care and it's an honor to walk by your side on this journey".
He made me repeat and re-frame my words "I am not broken". The people who abused me are the broken ones, the ones who took me for granted are the broken ones, what happened to me was broken, but I am not broken - I am healing, but not broken.
I woke up this morning and just said it to myself "I am not broken, what happened to me was broken, not me", "I am not damaged, I am healing".
It's hard to believe all the good things when you have been treated differently. In my tears yesterday in session talking about my past I kept saying "how could so many people do me wrong and there be nothing wrong with ME?". How can anyone who was abused not feel as if there must be something wrong with me if they can do such harsh things to me?"
I am learning (at a very slow pace) that I am not the one broken or damaged - what happened to me was not my fault, the brokeness is within the abusers, not me - I am the strong one who survived it and the strong one who walked into therapy 5 1/2 years ago to talk about it, the strong one who has a blog who writes about the healing process, the strong one who can stand up to those who did me wrong - they are the broken ones.
I have read so many stories about people surviving abuse, and a feeling that we all share is a feeling as if we are the broken ones, we are the damaged and ugly bad ones! it breaks my heart to read people feel so badly about themselves yet I share the same pain! I share the same feelings internally.
It's so easy for me to reach out to others and say "no no no this was not your fault, you are a beautiful person so deserving of love and care" .. but yet I share what they feel.
I understand, I know how it feels! It's so easy for me to reach out and hug another in pain, but yet I don't feel deserving of the same. It's a tough tough thing to learn and believe, but that is what healing is about - learning and believing.
So I got up this morning and I made myself say "I am not broken" - "I am worthy of love and care".
Don't get me wrong, it's hard to believe when you have been hurt so badly, but the more and more I try and trust it, the easier it will be to believe. The more and more I reach out to others about my story and hear others, it will gives me strength to believe in myself.
So today my job is to show up, I'll go to session later on and keep breathing and believe that "I am not broken, I am healing" .. even if I don't believe it fully, saying it is the first step towards healing and believing.
I know so many people who will understand this blog writing today, and although I cannot change your mind of how you feel about yourself, maybe we can try together - "I am not broken, I am healing and I am worthy of love and care from those around me".