let it {go} . . let it {be}

"just let it go and let it be here" .. my therapist said these words to me today as I crumbled into tears today while honoring some hard emotions at the surface today from my past. Like I have said before "emotions are hard for me". No matter how many tears I shed, it's an emotion I truly have a hard time with; but something that I have learned to embrace no matter how hard since I began this healing journey over 5 1/2 years ago.

This year has been a hard year for many reasons. My past has been at the surface through many different situations - some hard, some honoring, some gut wrenching - but here for a reason.

I will be the first to smile and say "I am fine" "I am okay", "don't worry I am strong!", and my therapist always smiles every time I say that because he knows deep inside I am fighting a battle inside, and reminds me "you dont have to be alone, you dont have to always be strong".

Today was a day I didn't fight the battle alone, and I didn't have to be strong - I had big emotions that came from my past and all I kept hearing in the comfort given to me was "just let it go, let it be here, you are safe, cared for and loved" - something I never trusted in in my emotions, and I accepted the shoulder.

I cried for almost 2 hours - I felt the child within and her pain at 9 years old that was at the surface, and I felt the adult I am today and my sadness for my past.. and I accepted that it was okay to let that be - "let it go and let it be".

My therapist works with this amazing guy who runs the organization program called "Male Survivor" and his name is "Dr. Howard Fradkin" and he talks about emotions and tears and says "Every tear you cry validates your worth and the worth of the child inside you. Every tear we cry sends a message deep inside us that validates our worth and value"

I never used to believe that having tears was healing, I always thought it made me feel worse! As time goes on, and the healing takes place, I feel it does heal something deep within. I don't feel that having tears gives me immediate relief, I feel it's the process of healing something deep inside that over time allows me to heal.

I am sitting here today and I feel like a bus hit me! My eyes are weepy, my face is blotchy, my nose is sniffley and sore from the tissues I went through today, and I am worn out - it doesn't' feel very healing, but somewhere deep inside something IS healing, I just don't see it or feel it yet. 

I honored feelings at the surface today, and those are feelings I dont need to be afraid of anymore - I honored them and understand them, and in time I will feel something empowering from it - but not right now, and maybe not today.

Today I will just sit with what I went through in session this morning and know that I am cared for, loved, supported, and connected. I had a pivotal moment in session today honoring what was there and to not being afraid of it. I shared it, and allowed myself comfort and support through it .

I am not alone .. I may feel alone in this moment because I am raw, but I am not alone. I will connect with my therapist later by phone and talk about how it felt to be with emotions today. I will connect with my husband when he gets home from work tonight. I will connect with my boys, and I will make sure I stay connected to myself and and practice self care and love for how hard today was.

Before leaving session this morning, my therapist looked at me and said "it's going to be okay, this was a beautiful thing, and I am so honored to walk aside of you on this journey"..

on that note . . . . . . I had tears today - and I am okay, and I am worth the emotions I had, and the support that went along with it.