I really didn't think that I would ever be writing in this blog again! - but then I faced something in this past week that allowed me to understand a little more of what was going on inside, and that was - the 9 year old me from my past. My blog, my voice, and my writing have gone through many tough consequences this year! I never thought it would be so so hard to have a voice and to speak it, and although I felt the right thing to do many times was to close the blog down, it was more of a consequence to "not" have a voice, than to have a voice and take risks.
I got a letter over the weekend from a very well known organization that wants to publish my blog in their publication. What I came to truly understand while I was reading the offer and the wonderful letter they sent me was - how many lives I would touch vs. the consequences of having a voice! How many people I would connect with, vs letting something disconnect me.
Was I going to let one person or one thing take away the many it could touch and connect with? was I going to let my past take away what it could help for the future in this journey?
What I was made to see in this was that, this was not about me and my voice, or anything I was doing wrong - what it is about is having a voice and using it to heal no matter what the consequences.
The ability to connect with others IS THE PATH that God chose for me - how can I not take that path and still trust that God will lift me over the consequences it could bring?
There is a quote that says "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"
I let the hardness of the path and the consequences run me away from the good it was doing, the people it was helping, the connections it was creating,the healing it was doing for me, and the voice is was giving me that I never had.
This situation that I have gone through this year in having a voice, being who I am, being a strong person, healing on this journey and being open about it has really brought my past to the surface by it's consequences, but never did I face my past, and let the concequences be out-weighed by the good it brings.
this past week that the blog has been down, my heart felt empty and it left me feeling sad - it was like taking the voice away from the 9 year old child all over again, and the more I was away from it, the more empty I felt.
I don't think anyone realizes how hard this has been for me this year with my blog being up, going down, changing it, moving it, shutting it back down - but today is the first time I actually realized that I didn't need to be strong, it was OKAY to feel how I felt, and that I could talk about it - and I did talk about it, I opened up and I talked about it, and it opened my heart to the good that outweighed any consequences it brought.
I am going to take baby steps, and let it be OKAY that my voice is being heard, and to let it be okay that whatever it is my voice needs to speak, it's positive effects will always outweigh any consequences and that it may have.