The past couple of days I have had such a hard time sleeping. It's not that I am not sleeping, it's that I am jerking awake to myself crying or hearing crying. It's been a long time since I have gone through this. I have gone through this before in the past - while drifting off to sleep, I wake up suddenly and I am crying, or hear crying, and loud voices yelling.
This has happened a lot in the past 3 days - hardly slept Saturday and Sunday and tried to take a nap today and the same thing happened.
My therapist and I have talked about it and he believes that this is coming up through "letting go" - letting go of the many things that have held me back from myself this year, many things that held me back to face some things going on inside.
Last week I was able to fully let go of those things and face towards other things that were neglected, like me and my emotions.
He said that sometimes when we let go of something holding us back, it opens us up to face what is there, and that can be a scary thing - I agree it is scary. It's scary to sometimes face scary things without obstacles standing in our way. I have become distracted by a lot of things this year - but I also have been reminded that those things standing in my way were powerless.
In letting go of the obstacles, the emotions at the surface are finding their way out through my sleep because I am more open to be with them.
It's not easy to wake up crying and not understand why! It's scary, yet something about it feels strong and true.
I sometimes wake to loud negative words like "you are NOT worthy" "what do you think your doing". Those are the lies I used to believe, while today I know different, or I try hard to know different.
its been a challenging couple of days of sleep, but I wont let that stand in the way of the "great" week I have ahead of me - a week of newness and embracing this new path of letting go of the negative, and walking towards something greater.
Today we talked more about what this week looks like - especially this week being my birthday and celebrating me and this journey - a new year!
My therapist walked over to the white board on his desk and wrote "Wednesday is going to be a great day" .. I stood there and just stared at the writing feeling a little odd, but then thought "okay, it IS going to be a good day" .. it will be a GOOD day!
Even though tough things are at the surface, I believe that there is room for goodness and facing the hard, I believe it's called healing. Yes it's scary, but at the same time I know I am still going forward - I am always going forward even when it doesnt' feel like it.
I hope sleep finds me this week with no bad dreams or crying, but if it happens, it just means something is there and I need to pay attention to it.
I wonder what things I will find new this week - and how to honor what is here as well? I don't know yet but I am praying that I can accept all the goodness around me.