The word change has been used a lot lately in my life as of recently, which is different for me because being a child of abuse I adapt to what is comfortable for me. I surround myself with the familiar so that nothing throws me off track. What I have come to accept more and more especially this year is that - change is good, change can sometimes be healthy, sometimes change is what's needed to move along in the right places I need to go instead of being stuck in the same ole routine.
I go to the same gas station, use the same pump, get the same drink, take the same roads everyday. I have rituals every night before I go to bed, and rituals when I get up to start my day - I hate change.
I drive my husband crazy when I ask him to install the same OLD photo program on my computer that I have been using for 10+ years - when in his eyes I could be using the newest "photoshop" - I want the old program because it works for me - but I am slowly starting to branch out and try new things.
In therapy I am the same way. My therapist and I have this routine... I walk in, he shuts the door, he walks around me, I turn and put my bag down in the chair, he takes a drink of water out of his cup, I take a drink from my water bottle, I put it down next to his, we greet each other with a hug, we stand for a few moments, I then sit in the same spot on the couch, and he sits next to me. I put the pillow on my lap, we connect, and we begin. I have been doing that for 5+ years! He calls it our routine, and it is kinda funny, but at the same time, it's sad that my life is about routine and rituals to feel safe.
Change is so hard for me, it's how I adapted in life as a child, I had to know where everything was, what was safe, what wasn't, and what I could depend on - and it grew on me.
In church I sit in the same pew every Sunday. I will not sit with friends or anyone who wont come sit with me in my spot, I am so ritualistic, and it's hard to break, becasue it means safety for me. The pew I sit in represents something to me, it feels like a place of my own - it's right up front where I can everything and take it all in - but it's also routine.
Moving from New Hampshire to Georgia 7 years ago when my husbands company relocated us was such a shock for me! I was homesick to the point of having to take a plane up to NH every other week, until that got too expensive and I had to adapt pretty quick - but today when I go to NH to visit, I am homesick from Georgia, so as you can see change is sometimes good, I just needed to give it time.
This past weekend I wanted to change my blog layout. I went through 50 different themes and each one (although nice), I found something to pick on about it. I want to change it so badly, but I am such a perfectionist that it will never be as comfortable as this one.
I am going to take the risk and change my blog this week, because change is what I am working towards. Change in my blog, maybe some changes in the way I write, and I will learn to adapt.
I have also made huge changes in my health! I am working out 2-3 hours a day, weight lifting again, eating clean, no more caffiene, and that change (although was hard to break back into) - it feels good, and I am adapting to that routine again. I am working out so hard that I lost 20 pounds in a month, a little too much, but it feels good to have changed back into a healthy fit lifestyle.
So, as I work through the many changes in my life going on right now, I am liking how it feels. Maybe tomorrow I will show up in therapy and change the ritual of how I enter into my healing space.. maybe I will switch sides on the couch with my therapist and learn a new way of being. Maybe I will take a different road to my errands tomorrow, and try new paths.
Maybe I will change my blog this week, and maybe I will love the new feeling it gives me - or maybe I will hate it, but learn to love it, and let that be what it is.
I am excited about the changes that have happened and the changes to come, but I am also anxious and that is OKAY, because I know change will lead me towards greater things to come.