I have always been frantically afraid of becoming attached to people. I was someone who lived inside my own world, taking care of my own needs, no matter how hard it was.
Allowing myself attachment was not a safe thing, I needed to be within myself to survive.
Even though I have a lot of people around me in my life, I don't allow myself to become attached to them, because to me it means "dependency" and I fear dependency.
I engage in friendships, I have relationships with people, my husband, my children, my church family, my support, but I never allow myself to become attached to anyone - it just isn't safe for me, and I have struggled with this for a very long time.
Today - going back to therapy after a 12 day break, I walked into session and gave my therapist the biggest hug of connection and I had some tears and emotions.
I allowed myself to miss someone. I don't normally allow myself to miss anyone, or better yet tell them - it feels too dependent, and the only person I am dependant on is myself.
I was shocked by my reaction - and although I enjoyed the break I had for myself, I missed my therapist and my space of healing! There were smiles from both of us in excitement of reconnection.. and I was surprised by my small tears and the big gigantic hug!
In my confusion, my therapist smiled! I allowed myself to miss someone, and allowed myself to trust myself enough to be attached to someone.
In all the years I have been in therapy and working with Andy, every break was just a break - I show up, I work hard, we have a break, I still work hard, I show up after break, I work hard again - but never have I allowed myself to truly miss someone and the space for me. Before it was - "OK we are back, lets get to work" - today I allowed myself to be with how I felt.
I swallowed hard when my therapist said the word "you have allowed yourself attachment and that is a beautiful thing".. hearing the word "attachment" was a HUGE risk to accept, but one that I think I can finally allow myself to be with.
The only people in my life I allow myself attachment to are my kids and my husband and of course GOD.. anyone outside of that I have barriers, restrictments and boundaries - but today I allowed myself to cross a boundary, and to allow myself to miss someone, tell them I missed them, have tears and it be OKAY!
I have to say, sitting here now I thought for sure I would be beating myself up over allowing myself to be attached to anyone in a way to where I would miss them, but I am actually OKAY with it. It's a safe miss, a safe attachment; someone I have been working with for 5 1/2 years.. it's a beautiful thing, it means I trust more.
It was SO good walking back into my healing space today.... and although I know some things are still hard to work through in my healing, the fact that this break allowed me so much self love and self care for myself, that is a healing thing - and I accepted that someone else missed me as well, and that is also a beautiful thing, accepting is huge thing for me.
I don't think I will ever lose the small barriers and boundaries I carry around with me, but at least I am allowing myself to step over the line a little sometimes, and better yet, letting someone come over to my side and letting that be OKAY.