What makes something a pivotal moment? For me, it has many meanings.. for me it's those moments that you over come something so huge that you could never get through before. For me, it's one of those moments that marks a milestone in my healing, and I had one of those moments yesterday; but even in those moments, you can still sit in the sadness of it, the hardness of what it took to make that moment so BIG! Yesterday marked a pivotal moment in my healing. I sat in session and faced the hard hard moment that made (where I needed to be). It was talked through, problem solved, reached in to find the goodness in it, I had compassion for the hard, I realized my strengths, I found more trust in the room, I had tears in the moments that were hard, I had moments of questions, and there were moments of struggling, and moments of just sitting there listening with ears open to the wisdom, heart open to the possibilities, and honoring all that was being said, and honoring what I wanted to say.
It was the most moving 2 hours in my healing, why? because never in my life have I been able to work through something this hard, and face something so difficult, and allow someone fully in without guilt. I felt worthy and good enough to be in the moment, say what I needed to, and allow support without guilt!
The abuse I endured as a child, it was a one way street. I had to lick my own wounds after the daily abuse. I had to live in my closet, cry it out, write on paper, talk to myself, hug myself, find myself worthy enough to just be. I had to BE in the after effects of the abuse, and sit there and figure it out in order to survive. I had no way of communicating my pain, no connection. I had myself and that is all I had.
In the 5 years I have been in therapy (my healing journey) - yesterday was the first time I walked towards this movement without guilt, or fear... and I felt worthy enough to be in the space to honor it, and allow someone to honor it with me. Yes I have had many movements in this healing, many obstacles, many milestone moments, but never one that came without guilt, or fear.
Sometimes when you have a huge pivotal moment, comes the after effect feelings when the dust finally settles.. it's almost like feeling totally worn out after the adrenaline rush of running a 5 mile run!
Today in session, I was sad.. It wasn't the celebration I thought I was going to have, but that will come. Trust me, it will come, I have no doubt that soon I will embrace this celebration, and I will honor it with wholeness - but today, I was sad because I finally allowed myself to be with the very reason I had the hard moment I went through. This truly was movement; a movement towards me, a movement towards more trust, a movement towards many things to come.
Like I said today "My timeline AWAITS" .. my timeline book is waiting for me, it was on hold for a week, but I am ready to dig back in, with more strength than I had going in before.
Keep in mind that, even in the best of best times, you will be in the sad moments too.. it's the complete movement of healing. It's the movement that counts, and you can move through the good, the hard, the sad, the happy, and even in the moments that feel the hardest! in fact, I think the biggest movements;the biggest pivotal moments are made through hardness and not just goodness!