Today while working out with 2 trainers, I was face down into the floor crying trying to find the strength to push out 10 more push-ups already having done a grueling 45 minutes of intense non stop core training! Just when I thought I did not have the strength to push anymore out, I found the strength within and just did it! I found the strength, I pushed my body past the limit I thought it had and I did it, and I pushed them out hard!
This reminds me so much of what I have been through this year. I have been through trial and errors, some of which threw me off my track of healing, some unexpected unnecessary issues, and some hard things I had to face through my past.
There have been times I thought I could not push through, there have been times I wanted to just drop to the floor, cry and give up - like today when I could not find the muscle to push out 10 more push-ups.
There are only a few people who know that I found an addiction to pain pills last year in 2011, and very few also know that I looked towards the pain pills once again 6 months ago.
2 months into going towards the pain pills again, I realized I was letting something take over me, I was allowing something to take control over my healing much like a lot of things this year. Something was different about this realization, something hit me in a huge way, and I just GOT it, I really got it!
In May my heart DR admitted me to the hospital for 4 days to have some IV fluid heart treatment and to DETOX me off the pain pills I was on, and I knew at that moment this was going to be the last time I ever let something take over me, my healing, my life, my soul and my mind.
I sit here today and I am over 90 days clean from the addictive pain pills that I thought was the answer to covering stress and pain that I was enduring, and I dont miss it one bit - in fact thinking about it disgusts me. granted I was only on them for 3 months, but as we all know "one is always too many".
Something is different this time, I pushed through many levels in my healing this year that I never thought I could push through. I saw the out-pour of support in the hospital as I fought through releasing this lie out of my system, and also getting stronger in my heart. I was letting go, and letting in at the same time.
It was an experience I will never forget, because I saw the strength and pain I went through in this realization, much like today when I pushed out those 10 push-ups I thought I could NOT do.
This was back in May, and today I look back on this experience and wouldn't change it for the world. I had support surrounding me in those 4 days. My therapist moved me through every level of this showing me support and care. My husband and kids surrounded me with their love, my friends and family from church. Everyone watched as I let something toxic OUT and let something stronger in.
I think today when I was laying there face down into the floor trying to find the strength in the 10 more push-ups, it reminded me of the strength in the hospital, and the faces that surrounded me showing me I was worth it, and I think today that is what drove me to push harder!
My therapist said something to me last Tuesday that really hit me in a way that made something "click" and that was about "change" .. it was about me making a change because something else won't change. It's not about anything I am doing, it's about moving away from something else that won't change, and it finally hit me, just like the power I found within today to push harder than I thought I could push.
In an email exchange last night my therapist and I both had our own celebration in this new found realization and strength - finally putting action to the word "dance" on the whiteboard! I said to my therapist "this is a celebration, can I have this dance?" and he said "I wouldn't miss it for the world" .. a celebration of new found strength, I always had it, I just never knew how much I could use it.
it's been a path I never saw myself on this year, but its where I have found my strongest fights and found new strength within that I thought I did not have.
Tomorrow I will show back up to physical training with my trainers, and I will find new ways to push myself again, and remind myself of how many times this year I thought I "couldn't" do it, and realize I "CAN" do it.
Hard to believe the break is almost over already, but I am excited to see where this new strength that I have taken from this past week, and bring it into the place where I am challenged the most - pushing through to heal within.