I am writing tonight right from the heart with no care about spelling or wording! sometimes when we don't filter, whats in our heart finds its way out. In the past 5 years of me working in therapy I have had this even flow of working through my healing - I work on something hard, we move through it, we reflect, we celebrate, and then we move together to the next part of the path.
This year however has been a different approach, a harder approach, a more intense approach, but it has brought me closer to therapy, my healing, and the connection around me. I have a stronger relationship with my therapist and we have so much trust between each other. I have a stronger stance outside as well.. but it doesn't come without it's intense hardness and emotions!
The past couple of months we have been working with a certain situation that has moved us forward, but then we stop and go back a little and have to sit in it a little longer - and let me tell you, it's been "so frustrating" on "SO MANY LEVELS".. but like I am told time and time again, leaning in and staying connected is how to move through it.
I start walking down one path, and I am working hard, and then another fork comes up as to what to do, and look at it's hardness of how to handle this "certain situation" that keeps arising.
Today in session was a great session, we talked through it, have a plan, I feel strong, I feel confident, we both hear each other and trust each other on this path - and then I break down in tears because it's REALLY hard to know how to handle this situation that has been such a GUT kicker in my path for a while now.
Lets just put it this way, its a road filled with POT HOLES and we are finding ways together to jump over them, hurdle, hunker down, get frustrated together in a good way, and sometimes sit in it.. but at least I have someone on my side through it who truly understands how hard this is.
Usually I am so strong on each path, but I have to say this is the hardest path I have been on that has so many hills of unknowns!
There have been moments of "dancing in celebration" to moments where my therapist and I are sitting shoulder to shoulder, head to head thinking of ways to get over the hill to a place that feels calmer to sit at to where I can breath for a few moments.
We have stood up and paced the room back and forth and problem solved, we even found ourselves sometimes laughing because it's a tension breaker - and I have had moments of thrown pillows and small fits - but somehow there is always a result on my path to healing no matter how hard.
I have had moments of YES! and then moments of SHIT!!!! ok what way now, and usually those moments are the ones that bring heavy tears and frustration.
My therapist called me on the phone tonight to just check in and asked me if I wanted to come in tomorrow on my day off to really be in connection and work with what is here - we call it "LEANING IN" .. and although I LOVE my days off, I agreed that this is good, it's a good JUMP over another pot hole and maybe half way up another hill.
I do have to say this and you may have seen me write this before but, my therapist is absolutely wonderful! He has been through this with me jumping into each pot hole and jumping back out with me and going up every hill and dancing down the next.
A couple of months ago we made a commitment of "no leaning out" "connect in the hard and dance in celebration in the good"... and the biggest mantra has been - "I can talk about anything" "we can talk about anything"..
So when I come up against another fork in the path and I am not sure what to do, I have someone there to help make sure I am going the right way, even though it's hard.
This is the hardest road by far, and I am so looking forward to the easier walk down the hill over the hump! We are both anticipating that happening soon ... but it's emotional to say the least.. VERY emotional, because it has brought my past to the surface and that is such a hard thing to face.
I smile as I write this because this is a part of me that always finds the good in the hard, and that has always been the light in the dark for me! I can't sit for too long in the hard, I have to get up and keep going! thats who Karen is!
I am blessed for the people who I have in my life like my husband, children and great friends that have helped me to stay grounded in the hard, be happy with me in the good.
I am SO blessed that I have a great therapist who carefully helps me see the holes ahead, and as he told me today that he loves and cares about me, and I actually accepted to hear that.. I need to accept that if I want to get through the broken path.
I know this road is going to get better, and when it's hard, I have to remind myself of that, and that's where I gain strength!
So I show up tomorrow and see what part of the path I will be on.. and hopefully it's a place where I can sit for a moment and just take a deep breath and fall back into connection.