a moment of weakness

I had one of those moments today that emotions found me.... right in the middle of a store, and it was almost impossible to stop, and it showed up for a reason, a good reason, a needed reason. For me, when I work hard on things internally, I sometimes push down my emotions by fighting harder and fighting harder.

I get in survival mode to work with what is going on inside at the moment, but the emotions take a back seat; I like to call it "the calm before the storm". Some people may call it being numb, but for me, I don't numb anymore, I just put the strength and the hard work before the emotions until they come out like a backed up water hose!

Today in session was good, it was a great session, and I felt strong as we talked. It was a normal session of connection, some laughs and some moments of deep thinking and talking. I did feel some tension inside building, but I was okay - for the most part.

After session, I went about my day, and I really did feel ok,  I felt some heaviness inside but I tried to ignore it.

While I was in the grocery store later this afternoon, I saw something that just made my eyes tear up, and then I started to feel a full blow cry coming on, and I tried pushing it away, and just trying to ignore it inside.

As people were passing me in the aisle, I turned away to hide the tears, wiping them away quick so no one would notice, and it was getting harder and harder.

The more and more I tried to stop it, the more intense it was getting. I made my way towards the front of the store and got ready to put my basket aside and go to the bathroom, But I stood there, I took some deep breaths, I allowed the tears to be there and let it be okay, and then it let up and I felt a little better.

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes it's just a way for the emotions to come out through the hard work I do internally. It doesn't even have to do with anything I am working on, it could be the littlest thing from a memory (good or bad), to a sad realization - in this case, it was just a missing for my Nana that just came over me out of nowhere.

My therapist called me tonight on his way home to just check in to connect and reflect which was so nice of him.. and I told him all about the store and the tears that came out of nowhere. We talked about it, and his thoughts were the same as mine; emotions just needing to come out that were just underneath that made it's way through a missing or longing for someone who I loved in my life.

Sometimes what we feel inside that is so deep shows up through other ways to let go of the hurt inside, it's the emotions way of "finding their way out".

So I had a moment of weakness, but it was wasn't a weakness strength wise, it was a weakness of my body letting go for a moment and just allowing the tears to be there, and time and time again strength shows up in the weakness after I allow it to be there.

I had connection today that showed up tonight in a phone call to check in, and then I came home to a houseful of love and dinner, and a comfort in my writing - and at the same time feeling a little lifted that I allowed myself to have those tears in the store and didn't run out of the store or into the bathroom to hide, it was intense emotions, but it was needed.

So in the weakness allowing emotions to be there - sits strength and a stronger feeling to keep going forward tomorrow, and accepting that today was OK even thought it didn't feel good in the moment, it was OK, and I am OKAY.